Cat McKeown

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Cat's Tenth Birthday

It has been argued that Cat's tenth birthday is the most important event in human history. It was like Woodstock, only exponentially more epic. Basically, anything you can imagine, no matter how bizarre or dangerous, it happened at Cat's tenth birthday party. The neolithic revolution had nothing on Cat's tenth birthday. In fact, almost every absurd situation was topped by something done at Cat's tenth birthday party.

The party, while called Cat's "tenth" birthday party, actually started at Cat's birth, and is still going on as we speak. The reason we call it her tenth birthday party is that ten is the year in which the paramedics finally showed up, which marked the beginning of an age in which people were slightly more careful. See, what happened was, they all decided to make this gigantic human pyramid, but here's the catch: everyone was blindfolded. So they made this human pyramid, really impressively, and then some jerk on the bottom layer decided it would be funny if the whole thing fell over, so he crawled out. They all fell down, looking like so many leaves. Ironically, the largest pile of bodies (only a few of them dead bodies; don't worry) landed on top of the trickster. At first glance, he deserved it, but...oh god...there was blood EVERYWHERE! Anyway, somebody called 9-1-1, and the paramedics had to come. They didn't even ask what happened, they just sorted people into three piles: bruised, damaged, and dead. They took all the damaged people to the hospital in a giant truck, like the ones they use to carry pigs. There just weren't enough ambulances to fit all of them in. Th bruised people made an all-you-can-eat buffet out of the dead people, to the disgust of many, and the great delight of a select few. Point being, this whole incident happened in what we suspect was the tenth year of Cat's life. We named the whole ordeal after the year in which this massive mistake was made.

Another notable incident was the time Cat got attacked by pudding. She doesn't really like to talk about it...

It is not uncommon for broken things to be replaced by people. Stuff gets used up so quickly that it's just easier to get a whole bunch of people to do the same function than to gather up some money, go out, get a replacement, and install it. So, for example, let's say the fridge broke. People would stand in a rough box formation, with a couple people laying across the top, and they would all just blow on the food. Or if the stairs got worn down, somebody would lay down and take its place. This happens more and more frequently as time goes on; Cat expects her house to be more people than anything else (just like the Great Wall of China) within a few years. This might get difficult when the toilet breaks....

The whole people-become-things deal has already happened regarding showers. There's no such thing as hot, running water. You just walk into this box-shaped thing and people spit on you for a few minutes. Then you get out and the towel guy rubs you clean. Then this cat has to go back over you and make sure everything is dry. Everything.

The party is expected to go on for several generations before the neighbors finally can't stand it and shoot them all. (They tried before, but they only shot a few of us before the survivors made catapults and loaded them with wolverines. (Incidentally, that wolverine catapult later had an identity crisis, so we ended up with a wolverinbe cannon.)) I mean, you would shoot them too. They can't be quiet, they're always having sex everywhere (in disgusting positions), they invent weapons out of the's awful.

You are more than welcome to show up at Cat's tenth birthday party whenever you have time to spare, or when you don't. You are advised to bring your own sword, and this is your warning about piercings. You won't leave without one. No guarantees where.


Someone decided chickens would make a spectacular birthday present, so he brought them to the party. At first, the chickens all sat together in groups in the backyard and talked about philosophy and quantum physics. But then, unfortunately, we started having custody battles over the wolverine cannon. It wasn't pretty. So the chickens tried to find some peace and quiet in the neighbors' yard, but that didn't work either, because the neighbors aren't vegetarian. So they decided they would be safest if they just joined the party. But some of them categorically refuse to receive necessities, so they're our waitstaff. They're actually magnificent at it. So good, in fact, that they have tenure. We'll have chickens indefinitely.

A couple of the chickens are actually brilliant chefs. They cook seeds up so it tastes like burgers. No joke.

Okay, we don't know who case zero was, but--chicken telepathy. Worst superpower ever. The chickens have great work ethic, and we all love them dearly, but they are so dull! It's terrible! It's going around like a virus, and now we can all telepathically communicate with the chickens. It's terrible. We can be peacefully sleeping, and then, all of a sudden, this chicken has a particularly strong urge to poop on the rug, and it wakes you up. Awful. The only cure is to spend a week in character impersonating Mao Ze-Dong. Not fun. Some of us have done it, but it was just...beware the chicken telepathy.

Quantum Mechanics

(If you're not familiar with string theory, don't even bother reading this.)

The most exciting thing man has ever come up with, quantum physics, was thought up primarily at Cat's tenth birthday. Some of the details were worked out later, but every meal at Cat's house is a quantum physics conference. All the important quantum physicists were there already; why go to the newbies when we can make them come to us? But yeah, Cat's tenth birthday is a massive source of inspiration for string theory.

After you stay at my tenth birthday party, you're not hungry for food anymore. You just eat light. (We use this freezer; it's complicated, but delicious.) It tastes like ice cream, but anywho....When you eat light, you still have to poop something eventually. But what? You just ate light. So the only waste you end up with are these tiny units of energy that we like to call strings. (This was a life-saver for the unpopular people who would have had to replace the toilet.) It was the best combination of "light" and "s***" that we could think of. But they're too light to stay anywhere, so they just kinda blow off into the breeze. I guess they started taking over the point particles in atoms. We don't know if it was out-reproduction or genocide, but...what happened happened. Anyway, string production isn't gonna let up anytime soon, so string theory will keep advancing, probably. That is, unless somebody decides it's not worth his time to mathematically analyze our poop.

We weren't even trying to make the math work when we found the extra dimensions. Somebody had to go to the bathroom really badly, so she just ran somewhere blindly. (Dunno why; all she ate was light at this point.) Anyway, she took a wrong turn at the top of the stairs and wound up in a perpendicular dimension. So she came back and told us about it. There was this massive pioneer group that went out there. We got to the seventh "new" dimension before the people living in it told us to get out of their dimension. We just came back after that. It was kindof a blow.

The thing with gravitons leaking out into extra dimensions because the strings that make them are closed loops: that was inspired by this fruit-loop bomb that someone came up with. They snuck it into all the cereal, so when you had the fruit loops in your bowl, just hanging out, out of nowhere it would blow up and fly out of the bowl into your face. Now we think gravity is just as strong as all the other forces, it just leaks out into more dimensions than just our four.

Actually, nobody even realized gravity was a weak force until Cat's tenth birthday. There was this guy, and he dropped--was it is plate? Something light, anyway. He picked it up, and then he was like "DUDE! I just overpowered the gravitational pull of the entire Earth on this plate--with my arm! I AM A GOD!" Then that guy and some other people got into a huge fight over whether or not God could overpower the gravitational pull of the entire Earth on that proverbial boulder. So the compromise was: Yes, He can, but only because gravity is such a weak force. Turns out we stumbled into the right answer.

We started thinking about whether parallel universes existed, because we wanted to invite them to the party. (The party transcends reality; don't think too hard about it, just go with it.) So then some guy with an epic memory was all like "DUDE! If gravity leaks out into the other dimensions like we said, maybe we could write notes on the gravitons and send them to aliens!" Which was a genius idea. So we rented CERN for a couple of days, and collided some gravitons. We shrank down to about string-size and graffiti-ed the gravitons, and then they leaked out into other dimensions. Actually, they just disappeared, but that's how I'm telling it. Anyway, we left a couple of days later, and we figured the aliens would be smart enough to send the gravitons back to us directly. So we left. And the people at CERN were all like "We've been trying to collide gravitons for ages! What did you do?!?!" But we just left.

Things Get Said

  • Wait, you mean that wasn't a toilet?
  • We found this baby in a parallel universe, and we couldn't find his parents, so we're keeping him.
  • Do not go into the master bedroom.
  • It's a beaver with a sword!
  • The undead don't have telepathy, silly.
  • Sir, you can't fry the chicken; she has tenure.
  • The chicken telepathy is spreading like dolphin flu!

Continuing Events

  • The floorgy
  • The race to tattoo your entire body--eyelids and scalp and genitals included
  • The contortion contest
  • The gradual replacement of all the wood in the house by people
  • Volleyball (and, of course, the ball is a dead baby)
  • The War. Seriously, that thing has claimed so many lives, it's barely even funny.
  • The attempt to achieve nirvana while meditating amidst screaming hordes of writhing bodies
  • The dance contest
  • The attempt to dig a hole to the center of the Earth

Fun Facts

  • Justin Beiber was conceived at Cat's tenth birthday party.
  • We--all of us here--know who shot JFK. But we can't tell you; that's our only way of getting you to come!
  • J.K. Rowling got the idea of a giant school of magic from driving by Cat's tenth birthday party. (Yes, Cat technically lives in America, and Rowling lives in the U.K, but Cat's tenth birthday party transcends reality.)
  • Monty Python got most of their material from improv performed at Cat's tenth birthday.
  • All lost items eventually wind up at Cat's tenth birthday party.
  • We've started a religion that worships that guy who overpowered the gravitational pull of the entire Earth on the plate--with just his arm!
  • Ninjas are better than pirates.