Doctor Doctor Script: Tech Term 1 2014

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Original

Daughter: Mother! Mother! I have a pain!
Mother: A pain?
D: Yes, a pain!
M: Where?
D: Here
M: Here?
D: No, here
M: Here?
D: Yes, here
M: I’ll call the doctor (pause) Ring! Ring! Ring!
Doctor: Doctor’s office!
M: Doctor, doctor, my daughter has a pain! (daughter falls down dead)
Dr: A pain?
M: Yes, a pain!
Dr: Where?
M: Here
Dr: Here?
M: No, here
Dr: Here?
M: Yes, here
Dr: I’ll be right over (pause, doctor comes and stands right over daughter) Where is your daughter?
M: Here!
Dr: Here?
M: Yes, here!
Dr: I will take a look then (examines daughter) She’s dead!
M: Dead?
Dr: Yes, dead!
M: Dead as a doornail dead?
Dr: Yes, dead as a doornail dead!
M: Oh well, I guess I had better call the mortician (pause) Ring! Ring! RIng!
Mortician: Mort’s Mortuary. You kill ‘em, we chill ‘em
Director: Cut! Cut! Cut! (need comment!)

Kyle: Sonja! Sonja! I have a pain!
Sonja: Kyle, you have a pain?
K: Yes, a pain!
S: Where?
K: Here!
S: Here?
K: No, here
S: Here?
K: Yes, here
S: (sarcastically) I’d put it in the group text, but I'm not about that waiting life. I guess I should probably give Carson a call (pause) Ring! Ring! Ring!
Carson: (enthusiastically) Hey this is Carson! What do you need?
S: I'm not gonna lie but Kyle has a pain! (Kyle drops down dead)
C: A pain?
S: Yes, a pain!
C: Where?
S: Here
C: Here?
S: No, here
C: Here?
S: Yes, here
C: Oh, well I’ll come but it might take a while (pause, walks in) Hey guys! (stands over Kyle) Where’s Kyle?
S: Here!
C: Here?
S: Yes, here!
C: It doesn’t look that bad, but I guess I’ll look at him (examines Kyle) Never mind, he’s dead
S: Dead?
C: Yes, dead!
S: Dead as your hair dead?
C: Yes, dead as my hair dead!
S: Oh, then I mean I should probably call the mortician, right?
(Mort was never cued on this one, so he never said his line)
Director: Cut! Cut! Cut! (says comments)

TiPster: TA! TA! I can't do all this walking! I have a pain!
TA: A pain?
TiPster: Yes, a pain!
TA: Where?
TIPSTER: Here!
TA: Here?
TIPSTER: No, here!
TA: Here?
TIPSTER: Yes, here!
TA: Alright then, I’ll call the super TA (pause) Ring! Ring! Ring!
Brian/Super TA: Hello, this is Brian the super TA
TA: Okay, so, umm, my student here has a pain! (TIPSTER dies)
STA: A pain?
TA: Yes, a pain!
STA: Where?
TA: Here!
STA: Here?
TA: No, here!
STA: Here?
TA: Yes, here!
STA: Ok, well, I’m in Skyles but I’ll be right over to Clough (comes and stands right over dead student) Where’s your TiPster?
TA: Here!
STA: Here?
TA: Yes, here!
STA: Okay, let me get her name off of her lanyard and then I’ll take a look (examines tipster) She’s dead!
TA: Dead?
STA: Yes, dead!
TA: Dead as my feet after a hard day of walking dead?
STA: Dead as my feet after a hard day of walking dead!
TA: Oh, I guess I should call the mortician (pause) Ring! Ring! Ring!
Mortician: Mort’s Mortuary. Walk all day, and you'll be here to stay
Director: Cut! Cut! Cut! (says remark about the sketch and comment for future sketches)

TiPster: RC! RC! There’s nowhere to sit! And my stomach hurts from this food - I have a pain!
RC/Sonja: Not gonna lie, the food here is gross. So you have a pain?
T: Yes, a pain!
R: Where?
T: Here!
R: Here?
T: No, here!
R: Here?
T: Yes, here!
R: Alright then, I’ll go ask Peaches (Pause) Ring! Ring! Ring!
Peaches: (angrily) What do you want?
R: My TiPster has a pain! (TIPSTER dies)
P: A pain? Well, he was probably taking more than one slice of pizza!
R: Yes, a pain! It’s urgent and there’s nowhere to sit!
P: Where?
R: Here!
P: Here?
R: No, here!
P: Here?
R: Yes, here!
P: Fine I’ll be comin’ over soon (Pause, stands right next to TIPSTER) Where’s the student again?
R: Here!
P: Which one? This one here? (holding by lanyard)
R: Yes, that one!
P: Ugh well give me some space I’m gonna look at him (pause as PEACHES examines the body) He’s dead!
R: Dead as the flavor here dead?
P: Yes, dead as the flavor here dead!
R: Oh well, I should call the mortician then (Pause) Ring! Ring! Ring!
Mortician: Mort’s Mortuary, You smother them, we'll cover them
Director: Cut! Cut! Cut!

(PLAYER 1 has ball, PLAYER 2 makes light contact)
P1: (falls to ground) Ref! Ref! I have a pain!
Referee: (runs onto seen holding a red card) A pain? ¡Ay! ¿Dónde?
P1: ¡Aquí!
R: ¿Allí?
P1: (in a strong british accent) No, here on me bollly-wonkers (or some other nonsense word)
R: Bloody crap, here?
P1: No, here (all said while rolling on ground and moaning in pain)
R: Here?
P1: Yes, here
R: Oh, here. I’ll call over your coach (calls over coach) Your player has a pain (P1 dies)
Coach: A goooooaaaaaaaalllllll? Yes!!!! (gets extremely excited)
R: No, your player has an injury
C: A fooouuuuuullll? (becomes outrageous)
R: No, he’s faking an injury
C: (calm) OH, let’s see how he is (examines player) Oh my, he’s dead!
R: Dead?
C: Yes, dead!
R: Dead as Spain and Australia and England dead?
C: Yes, dead as Spain and Australia and England dead! I’ll call the mortician (pause) Ring! Ring! Ring!
Mortician: Mort’s Mortuary. You touch ‘em slightly, we’ll bury them rightly
Director: Cut! Cut! Cut!

RC: Carson! My RAG has a plague!
Carson: A plague?
R: Yes, a plague!
C: Where?
R: Here! (points to a TIPSTER, who then coughs and falls over)
C: Here? (points to a different TIPSTER)
R: No, here (points to a different TIPSTER, who then coughs and falls over)
C: Here? (points to a different TIPSTER)
R: Yes, here (points to a different TIPSTER, who then coughs and falls over)
C: Alright. Well, I’ll call Jenna (Pause) Ring! Ring! Ring!
R: TIP at Tech main office!
C: Jenna, this RAG has a plague!
J: A plague?
C: Yes, a plague!
J: Where?
C: Here! (points to a TIPSTER, who then coughs)
J: Here? (points to a different TIPSTER)
C: No, here (points to a different TIPSTER, who then coughs)
J: Here? (points to a different TIPSTER)
C: Yes, here (points to a different TIPSTER, who then coughs)
J: Ok, I’ll be right over (pause, they all die just before Jenna walks in) Carson, where are the TiPsters?
C: Here!
J: Here?
C: Yes, here!
J: Ok, well I’ll give them a look (pauses, examines dead TIPSTERS) They’re dead!
C: Dead as my throat after getting the TIP plague dead?
J: Yes, dead as your throat after getting the TIP plague dead!
C: Ok, if you call Durham main office I’ll call the mortician (pause) Ring! Ring! Ring!
Mortician: Mort’s (starts coughing very dramatically) Mortuary