On the Homogays
At Term 1 UGA 2015, the Satire class was tasked (along with their 5 other projects all due at once) to write something similar to Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal." Connor Anderson, one of the resident bi/pansexuals, had an idea. The following is the script of "On the Homogays," performed in an awful, thick Southern accent.
ON THE HOMOGAYS
A Speech by Congressman Christian Butturt, Former U.S. Army Major
[Foreword] Hello my fellow Americans, I am Congressman Christisn Butturt, former U.S. Army Major Butturt. I served in Vietnam, you may have heard of my valiant heroics in the battle of My Lai. However, today, I'd like to talk to you all about a very disgusting problem here in America.
Recently, the very bonds of holy matrimony and love between a man and a woman has come under fire from the hordes of those who have chosen to become homosexuals. American lives, homes, and families are now at risk of deteriorating into a cesspool of gay bars and consensual sex. The LGBT, or “Lettuce, Gay, Bacon, Tomato,” community wants to undermine what we normal heterosexuals have set up everywhere. It is a common fact that gays have changed how marriage is supposed to work ever since they were first invented in the ‘60s. How can us heterosexuals live in peace while there are gays out there, not being straight? Just the other day, my mistress was disgusted to see two men ruining the sanctity of marriage by hold hands. What if my children had seen that and turned gay themselves? Then I would have to go through the lengthy complications of yelling at them in my Southern accent, beating them up, stop loving them, slowly manipulating them mentally, keeping them completely isolated, until finally kicking them out of the house, and then disowning them.
On the subject of gay children, gay couples should not be allowed to raise children of their own. It is a proven fact that a “healthy” gay couple cannot raise a straight child, just like how a straight couple cannot raise a gay one. And if they are not raising a straight kid, what will happen to the population? Several disgusting gay families have adopted from a local orphanage in town, and it is now running at only half capacity. This is a waste of our precious resources! It is also proven that gay children and the children of gay families suffer from emotional issues (for unknown reasons,) which is why I suggest that they all be left on the streets, where they can learn hard work, masculinity, and heterosexuality.
For all these reasons, homosexuals should be put through intense, abusive, and Christian heterosexual training and therapy, with the exemption of lesbians, because I still need something to do in my free time (other than yelling at my children).
Studies by a group of straight scientists have confirmed that bisexuals do not exist, but are in fact just a figment of the gays’ imaginations and a homosexual conspiracy. And since they are not real and are in fact only gays trying to steal straight privilege, they should have the same lack of rights as homosexuals, with the addition of barring them from heterosexual marriage also. However, despite not being real, they should still be taxed, least they get away with their greedy nature.
What is a pansexual? What has this country come to, when somebody can have “sex” with the same thing they cook with? What’s next? Potsexuals? Skilletsexuals? Spatulasexuals? Toastersexuals? Blendersexuals? Ahh! What if one of them was the chef in a restaurant kitchen, feeding your children hamburgers after church on Sunday? Those burgers would turn them gay! [Talking to empty chair] Wait, what’s that? No Obama, I won’t shut up. No, no. Mr. President, you shut up.
Anyways, I was informed that I would need to talk about “asexuals.” It disgusts me to think that such heresy could arise that makes people think that they can reproduce by themselves! America will not stand for- Wait, what? They just, don’t feel sexual pleasure? Well, what’s wrong with that? Oh, I, yes, yes, I see, ok. Yes, ok, I understand, right. Right, well, these people are obviously broken, and must be fixed. We cannot have these inferior peoples next to us pure, heterosexual peoples. I suggest we set up containment camps to fix them in, and- What? Too much? Fine, fine. Actually, I suggest that all “asexuals” must masturbate once, because they obviously have not before. But only once, because masturbation is a sin. Now, some queer, liberal, hippie, Northerner, uneducated trash may ask, “But Major Butturt, chocolate is supposed to release dopamine in the brain, which makes you happy, and yet some people still don’t like chocolate. Why isn’t it the same with sex?” Well, you illiterate fake American, I have something to say to you, I have your answer right here!
…
In conclusion, the gays and their cronies are tearing apart the straight American dream, and calling the aggressive defense of our own heterosexuality “unfair.” But, truly, is it not fair? My good friend, the governor of Kentucky said it himself, that people, “whether heterosexual or homosexual, cannot marry persons of the same sex under Kentucky law,” and is therefore completely fair. The legalization of basic human rights for gays is too much for a free country like America to handle. Remember my fellow Americans, Satan himself was the first one to ask for equal rights. And, I mean, we already ended racism, isn’t that enough for you people? Now, fellow men and patriots, go home to your families and wives, now knowing the truth and direness of our situation. And women, thank you for being at home. God bless America, and God bless us straight men!
The very next day after it was performed, gay marriage was made legal in all 50 states. While the entire Satire class and Connor were absolutely elated and crying tears of joy, Congressman Butturt was disgusted. It should also be noted that Connor would change small details every time he performed it (a total of 6 times, which was not good for the vocal cords)