From the archives of TiPWiki, the unofficial Duke TIP Wiki
Jump to: navigation, search

What if air was poisonous, but it took 80+ years to kill you?

This theory led to the irrefutable concept of Scholium, the little known 119th element in the periodic table of elements (Ununscholium), which is made up of 0.008% poisonous morons living in the very air around us. Different airs have different Scholium contents, which is the reason for the many different effects that different airs have on different people. Different people, also, have different tolerance levels of Scholium, contributing to the highly varied life expectancy in the world today. A little-known fact is that, over the years, the reason for the increase in life expectancy was not, in fact, because of the increase in medicinal proliferation and effectiveness, but rather due to humans' increased tolerance to Scholium.

Liquidity and solidity are not, in fact, states of matter, but rather levels of concentration of Scholium. For instance, let us take the highly TiPpropriate example of a simple Frisbee. A Frisbee is a solid, of course, and solids have the highest concentrations of Scholium of all three states of matter. If you were to breathe in this high concentration of Scholium, in all probability, you would die. The same goes for the slightly less TiPpropriate example of swords, daggers, and bullets moving at 2,799 ft/s, for example. The higher velocity an object has, the more deadly its affect on the Scholium in the air becomes. As it hits you, all of your air turns into scholium and you usually die, like when you happen to be hit by a bus. In addition, a liquid has a fairly high concentration of Scholium as well (perfluorocarbons being a rare exception) and will, also, most likely kill you were it to enter your lungs. However, this would not be the end of you, as this much Scholium all at once would turn you into the fabled zombie of American lore.

Spontaneous combustion, once thought to be the brainchild of a stoner and a stone, and so far a pure urban legend, has been confirmed. The cause? Exceedingly high levels of gaseous Scholium converting to pure energy, in the form of flames utterly consuming flesh, bone, muscle, fat, etc. in a violent inferno.

There are those, unfortunately for them, who do not believe in this indisputable theory. These poor soulless are a sluiceway, of sorts, for the Scholium to leave the Void and enter into this world. This does not necessarily mean that these creatures are malevolent, simply that they are so poorly uninformed, ignorant, or refuse to believe in the pure facts of the situation.

How did Scholium enter the world in the first place, you may ask? The meteorite that wiped out the proud race of the dinosaurs was composed of the purest form of Scholium ever to enter this earth. It has been slowly eradicated through the education of people like you, the true, the believers.

With your help, we can fully eradicate this terrible condition of matter, and the world can be free of this terrible substance forever. The only way we can do this is to convince the nonbelievers that Scholium is real, Scholium is true, and Scholium must be gotten rid of. We must convince the nonbelievers of the true nature of this demon.

This has been a Public Scholium Announcement.