Stupid Book

The Stupid Book or Stupid Notebook is a creation of Karis' RAG, also known as The Fire Hazard Princesses, of East term 1 2012 (not her legendary 2013 RAG). Basically, it is a notebook full of dumb things the girls have said, with one or two worthy entries from other TIPsters.

Preface

Dear reader, Please understand that though the collective IQ of those whose words are recorded seems to be less than that of the average bear, the context in which these things were said was, for the most part, appropriate and that the aforementioned average bears are in actuality very worldly, intelligent, astute, and classy (neva trashy) denizens of the great convention of brilliant young minds, Duke TIP for Gifted Youth. Though we happen to be extremely powerful in the art of mental mastery, our mouths still suffer the occasional disconnect from our brains, thus creating the exceptionally dimwitted and hilarious phrases recorded for your entertainment in this book. They stand as a reminder that even though we are TIPsters, we are also teenagers. Enjoy! -a brilliant and witty, though anonymous(ish), obscure, and unpopular author

Transcript

The Original Stupid Book

Eric is great. He is the trombone player who isn't a perv.

Maria, if need be I CAN and WILL force you out of your clothes.

Guys, I need help to get dressed.

Is this the pizza with the white sauce?

They call it Alfredo.

MY DOOR IS WIDE OPEN AND ANYONE CAN STEAL MY VALUABLES!

Cause you're better than me!

I need to sneeze.

Is there even a hole in my ear?

I don't like dresses. They give me a wedgie. Cause, you know, my underwear's just there.

Another thing I don't like about dresses. They're like swimsuits. When you have to pee, it's weird. And the person in the next stall is like "hey, that person's wearing pink panties"

Mission Accepted

I did have fun in the bathroom, just like you guys told me to.

I just felt like screaming and that thing just fell and made it seem so much more serious than it really was.

FURARARARARARARARARARARARARAR

Where would I be without you?

You would be soupless.

Somebody fix Joseph's boobs!

I'm already full from Oreos and by the time I eat dinner, I'll be DOUBLE STUFFED.

I feel like we'd have different kingdoms. It's more of a convention. (on whether or not the RAG are really princesses)

I'm not playing.

WELL, SCREW YOU

That was a stupid disguise, especially when you told us it was a disguise.

I feel like that would have worked better if I had no hat. I am not a llama.

I feel sticky.

My boobs itch and I want to scratch them, but that wouldn't be appropriate in public.

Not everyone can be as well-endowed as you are.

You just made your dad sound like a pedophile.

Hannah Montana never did it for me.

I don't think she's supposed to do it for you.

This is young Eliot's heart </3

WE AREN'T FRIENDS!

A gorilla mistook a boy for a gorilla. Because obviously, he looked like one of those things always staring at her, smelled like one, and sounded like one. So who could blame her for mistaking him for her baby gorilla which was actually on her back.

You just have to shove your butt in my face so I could cut the string.

She had a tail and it was my job to remove said tail.

FETAL PIGS FETAL PIGS FETAL PIGS DEAD BABY PIGS

We have discussions where we discuss or whatever...

Just spend five minutes with her. Then you'll understand.

I just want to dunk you in coffee and eat you.

I want you to figure that one out on your own.

We'll all either be lesbians or available.

What do you do after lights out?

Do you want to sit in chairs?

Yes, I want some chairs. Chairs are awesome!

I'm going to try out these yoga pants in the closet.

YOGA PLANTS

The one with the eyelashes?

Oh, Lizzie, Lizzie

Just because I like boys...

My parents are still in the boys are icky phase.

THUNDERPANTS

They're DUDE pants! Are they dude pants? No, they say for women. WHAT IS THE FLY FOR? I think they're confused about women.

That is an inappropriate voice for mommy.

Guys, I just shaved my legs with lotion.

You keep interrup-

SORRY!

It's harder for girls to molest people.

I have to poop!

The third floor walked into the ginger commons.

I'm sorry I slapped you with Laffy Taffy.

Poop is funny. We never grow out of it.

THERE'S A PHONE IN THERE!

Are you implying it's a phallic symbol?

Yes. CRAP. Now I'm hungry.

Anyone want some cherry flavored metaphor?

Basically, frozen ice.

What other kinds of ice are there?

Semi-melted ice, semi-frozen ice, slush, freezer burned ice, melted ice, water...

Is that a eupemism?

Oh yeah! Foot five!

[slaps hand against foot]

Do you want to try that again?

[slaps hand against foot again]

You're really slipping up on your Game Theory.

What? I'm in WaPow.

I mean, you're not on top of your game.

I'm reading this book about a serial killer. It put me in a dark mood; I just felt like coming in here and shooting everyone in the face.

It's a booger. Well, it came out of my nose. Well, kind of, it came out the back way.

I'll go poop with you!

Is that underwear?

Yeah, she's wearing a thong on her head.

Does anyone else just want to skip and dance down the hall?

Unapologeticism.

Your backpack hurt your mom.

You guys wanna see my hair-o-copter?

Glasses aren't food.

Hey guys, it's still thundering out there.

Your mom's still thundering out there.

Be nice.

YOU BE NICE!

Do you want to play a game?

No.

NO.

No.

I'll just go play with myself.

How do you dress up for it?

You dress down for it.

I'm a weird exception to the rule.

I can say "I have the face of a hooker" in French.

Whore as in whore-moans!

...who are slapping each other's feet...

Pauses imply periods. Periods imply the end of sentences.

You're sitting next to me and I enjoy using my hair as a weapon.

I have chicken pox!

Do you have the money?

Do you want a Dorito?

I want to take your shoes off actually.

I'm gonna go buy your mom.

Did you say idiocracy? Are we a new form of government in which idiots are in charge?

I think I have PTSD from a traumatic experience. I think I was eye raped.

You don't have to look away.

So you like me so you snapped my bra?

At least I didn't unhook it!

She's reaching between my legs!

Your collage of old men.

My box has been open since day one. You just didn't want to look in there.

How do you function without us?

I don't.

I'm wearing all green today except for my underpants.

I'm going to spend all day today trying to figure out what color your underwear is.

Well that was delicious. I'm going to start dropping all my cookies on the floor.

ABUSE!

You're fine. You liked it.

You might get a boyfriend yet.

Sunscreen makes me hot!

It's too hot for two shirts.

It's too hot for one shirt.

We were just sitting on a boat and then we got off the boat. And then I had awkward tan lines and then I was like "what?"

I'm so sweaty you could swim in my cleavage.

adoraweird

My legs are drowning in boob!

You know you liked it.

Unless you have a wishing well in your purse...

Is that why you were hitting me? Because it is romantic?

This is how I express affection.

Best ball control.

Most likely to look away.

I feel severely interrupted.

Was it Bob*? It's always Bob*.

She realized she was the pants of the relationship.

I want you to meet her and see her boobs.

They put her out of her misery (in relation to Anna Anderson and rumors of royal blood)

Just shift the blame. It's the American way.

Ewww-agh-ar-gar-amar-eee...I saw Bob* and said "ewww" and tried to cover it up.

Use kind words.

YOU USE KIND WORDS!

I WILL USE KIND WORDS. I will use kind words until you die. I will smother you with kindness.

WELL SCREW YOU.

We're just morer normaler. Wait, I mean more normaler.

A FENCE!!! We'll put a fence around the giant peephole in the floor.

Trashcan!

That is a terrible thing to call my roommate.

Can I help it that I clean compulsively and organize by size, shape, and color?

[sad face] It's in the syllabus!

The syllabus never lies!

Why would I steal it? I write in pen.

Because it's so nerdy! I'm serious! I have like fifteen of those things scattered throughout my room and my backpacks and purses because they are fantastic!

I have a mosquito bite!

I don't have a mosquito bite.

Well, you should. They're the latest fashion.

FINE! I will stop calling your mother awesome!

Mommy! Stop bothering me. I'm trying to talk to a boy.

WELL SCREW YOU!!! Wait-I don't think that was the proper response.

Stop screwing everybody.

She's been pooping for a while now.

It's like a reverse strip show.

Gummi Bears aren't children.

If there were two identical twin sister who both look like whore, but only one acts like a whore, guys would always choose the whore. (final score: whore=5 not whore=35)

I missed.

I feel like someone is going to say that to me one day.

I don't love you back!

I adopted it and it has a leash and its name is Colin. BE FREE!...temporarily...

Guys, I haven't finished my cereal yet. I can't contemplate murder conspiracies.

I really think we have established that Joseph has a fork.

I can speak English!

You know I'm afraid of TIP granny. She lives in my closet and haunts me at night. (on a RAGmate's mother)

What letter does Pederson start with? I can't find it!

That's your last name.

Your powers of deviousness are truly impressive.

I prefer the term "creative."

I prefer the term "weird."

Not everything is a euphemism, but everything is a metaphor.

Does that make him a pedophile?

I didn't have any paper so I just wrote on my leg.

The sky is not alive!

I almost called you Emma, then I almost called you Anna, then I did call you Caitlin.

What's the 36th letter of the alphabet?

Aren't there only 32?

My door's unlocked. Here's the key.

Did you say the 4th years are going to rape us?

No. But that's a possibility too.

Your talents aren't for the stage.

Stop biting my balloon!

But I want to eat Colin!

He's not a drug dealer! He's a stripper!

He's both actually.

Guys, my coffee is vibrating.

What if you don't like the cow next to you in the stockyard?

Then you better hope he gets slaughtered.

My dad worked in a strip club so I should know.

My dad worked in a paint shop. I know how to paint walls.

I know how to paint walls too. But my dad doesn't work in a paint shop. My dad's an x-ray man, but I don't know how to take x-rays.

My dad's a businessman and I don't know how to business.

My dad's a stoke broker, but I don't know how to broke stocks.

I got knocked up. (not true, by the way)

Guys, I need help. Will somebody get my keys out of my pocket? My fingernails are wet. Now don't go away. I need you to put the keys back in my pocket.

You can cheer for either team as long as you don't cheer for the Watercolors.

What time is it?

No idea 7:30.

Technically, she said it. I just laughed. (on Joseph, desert islands, and cannabalism)

That's absurd. I know plenty of stupid people who can't see.

Murder and flirting are pretty much the same thing.

Are you diseased?

Yes, she's diseased. With what we don't know.

Yeah, but that doesn't affect the milkshake.

Joseph's not a person? Does that make Josefia illegal?

EveryBODY attends their own funeral.

Hey, food is food. Unless it's people. Then it's people.

Stop saying funny things while I'm drinking!

Well, obviously you drink too much.

Guys, I have to go potty.

Are you talking about my man?

I can't believe we forgot to make Wallace an omelette!

What?

I don't need help getting dressed. I just need help being less stupid.

He has no spine. We had to beat one into him. With Sour Patch Kids.

Ow. Granite countertops are painful.

What did you do, punch it?

I see what you did there?

I see what I did there too.

Are your gummy people communicating with each other?

You can't reenact Titanic with Sour Patch Kids!

SUGAR SUGAR!!!

Doing something about it means putting it in my math.

They can just get over it.

They can just get over me.

Purple bunnies.

Ice cream cones, pockets, and Sundays...

My pillow is not Jesus!

• The real name of this person has been changed*

The Continued Stupid Book (2013)

This was the continued stupidity of the majority of the above participants (except for certain waitlisted ones, sadness) with the addition of several new people, nearly all of whom were in their fourth year. On the last night of term, the book was passed down to a deserving third year, Emma, who will record her year's stupidity for posterity.

Hey, you don't entirely disgust me, wanna hang out?

You had to cancel him asking you out?

Shiny! And it has a BIIIIRRRDY on it!

I know someone from Kentuckily! (says the girl from KY)

Oh, you said "across." I thought you said "a prostitute."

Because I'm very suspicious.

Is this going to end with me calling you a player?

Probably.

I just hear what I want to hear, not what I actually hear.

And my name is Cindy . . . Wait! That's not my name.

I concussion.

Don't expect me to treat you like an equal.

Joseph's very good at reading girls' hands.

Actually, I have many past times. It's just that most of them involved hurting Joseph.

Cheater!

How did I cheat?

I don't know, but I'll figure it out.

Just because it don't make no sense don't mean I ain't no smart . . . I just say all the right words and throw in a few extra.

You need to see my ringtone.

I thought I was going to hit my head, but I didn't, but I went ahead and said "ow."

Whoa! I can hear myself talk!

Emma has the ability to can.

I don't know, isn't Joseph offending someone?

I no use verbs.

This thing is weird to me; it feels like a nipple.

Nice hands, feet-wait, is that a thing?

They smelled like blood . . . they smelled irony.

I am such an efficient lesbian.

Fucking genitalia-that's a funny thing to say.

Is that the girl who got her thighs grabbed?

I want that to be my superlative.

Oh wait, I made that part up.

World's worst storyteller.

Everything is sexual.

I don't even have a strong emotional response to media, but I was freaking out.

That's specific.

I'd be happier if the walls were made of dead people.

If I wake up crying, you have to take care of me.

Not it! Not again.

I haven't done it yet...

Is there any more licking involved? Cause I really liked that part.

I just felt my testicles retract.

Syphilis kills you . . . I hate the authority with which I just said that.

Yay, sodomy!

I'm high enough in social status to join you?

If you stick your hand in my mouth, I will lick it.

Cut your nails.

Your face is . . .

Wouldn't it be awesome if people sweated money? No one would be fat.

Yes, I'm a being.

What just dropped down my shirt?

I love your foot because it's the only part of you that can't say no.

So maybe if I can't get Robert Downey Jr. I can get his son.

Whoa, whoa whoa! I don't actually make out with girls.

Don't worry, I'd be happy to take advantage of you.

We watched a movie and popped some popcorn on my laptop.

Because France is good at war . . .

Canada's not ours to give away.

Well, not now it isn't!

It's a good thing none of us have dowries to pay.

Do you want to see my bed?

Do your girlfriend duties and get me up really quick-wait, I meant that physically!

I think the other way's physical too.

Weren't you the one who raped him? Oh wait, that was me.

SON OF A MOTHER!!!

Whoa, I like your underwear.

Not TiPropriate!

She showed it to me!

Our conversations are the complex history of Europe and people's underwear.

Here, talk to the face on my thigh.

It's not a floorgy, it's more like a floorsome.

You're sweaty and weird.

It's like sophomore year all over again.

When I said two, I mean one actually.

We're just having some safe Mormon fun.

It's funny because you guys think I'm getting up at some point.

I don't even know how many people I'm under right now.

Can I just, like, feel your face?

When did I turn into a slut?

I don't have an imagination.

Can you get a transplant?

Not even my underwear is a color.

I don't if there is a God, but I do know I have a mother.

This is magic in its truest and purest form.

I have a Wooly Willy.

I'm a spectre. I can throw my voice and lead you into the darkness.

Do boys actually bathe?

I misspelled "t."

Don't be that people.

• dolphin laugh*

Oh GOD!

Bobblehead! Bobblehead!

I swallowed something and I felt it in my ear.

I don't think you swallowed right.

What the hell just went in my ear?

Don't throw the yield button. It defeats the purpose.

Now Emily's fondling my ear.

Can I try putting it in for you?

I broke Shelby!

Emily, what are you blowing?

Stop blowing on my face!

Can you not?

Is my Robert coming off?

I wish I were in the Stupid Book.

BFFLs make sacrifices.

I go to shower and there's a body rolling by my door.

I can do so much more than talk.

It's so much fun to narrate a slug's thoughts.

I'm going to touch you!

That's one of the things I would get arrested for saying.

You'd think they'd learn from hanging out with pedophiles.

Joseph, Facebook isn't loading so I can't look up your picture. Wait, sister.

Caitlin, catch!

Ow! Say that BEFORE you throw it!

I said my name wrong again.

Are you you getting Joseph pregnant again?

Yeah, on Emily.

Plot twist?

Yeah, they're all pregnant.

Emma, why are there Legos in the Stupid Book?

I just spelled "why" w-h-a-r-e.

I know it's not your fault; that's why I didn't rub my armpit in your face.

Who's stroking Patty's face?

Not over my face!

Who's having hand sex with me?

Shelby and Alexa.

Whoever screams the loudest.

AH!!

We got Carter a coconut!

That's...nice.

Joseph was trying to put coconut parts in my ear.

How many parts are there?

We're about to find out.

From certain angles you look like a pimp.

You mean from every angle.

Joseph makes a better girl than Amanda Bynes makes a boy.

Wait, I don't have sex with everybody.

Things that aren't Shelby's butt.

{safe words} Mine would be "no"

It can't be "no"

So should it be "yes?"

Joseph is the dancing queen. Young and free. Only seventeen.

She's not a minor in Sweden.

I'm not going to fuck these ribs. I'm just saying they're really good.

I AM the Stupid Book.

Despite all evidence to the contrary, I am a proud heterosexual.

You are the tip of the Titanic's death.

You'd be surprised at what I get away with because of my looks.

I always want to get some.

I can speak black.

You can caress my thigh if you want...with your beautiful hands.

Then I was like, "Damn, I'm good." Exact quote.

It's about God and religion and creepy. There's a SPHEEEERRRREE and it's a bigger bigger smaller smaller circle and then there's lines and lines. And he just kind of screams and impregnates them all and there were baby lines everywhere. NOt everywhere, just a long an infinitely thin, infinitely long line that's the 2-D world. There's some dots too.

I thought he was carrying a bottle of toothpaste, but it was actually just Snapple.

How many kinds of eggs are there?

2014

Despite Emma's protests that her sense of humor wasn't nearly sexual enough to merit the fantastic stupid book, she dutifully brought it back with her and tried, to the best of her abilities, to record the (mis)adventures of her year.

So you went to poor-too-gull (Portugal)?

A double date is when a girl goes on a date with two guys at once.

Dark is my favorite time of night.

The patriarchy has gotten us this far!

Where's my sweepy sweep?

He's kinda hot, but he also kinda looks like a bird.

I like to sit underneath the clock, so that I know people are looking at me.

Assess yourself before you dress yourself.

I thought Magic Mike was a documentary though!

I put the sensual in consensual.

See, this is why the Republicans didn't want to pass Obamacare.

They probably think this entire camp is full of abusers.

• Lakin throws her lanyard at Dylan and he almost has to go to the hospital, but they call the head of all TiP instead *

THE TROLLEY PROBLEM

Emma, stop carving a pentagram into your cucumber.

Why do you have a kiwi? Because I kiwican.