The Epic TiP Story

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During a Chilling on the Quad Evening Activity at Duke East Term 1 2009, a Third Year named Mary Liza Hartong and her friend Caitlin Kropp wrote the greatest story known to man. They attempted to perform it at the Talent Show, but TiP Staffers crushed their dream. Shortly after being rejected, Mary Liza got Swine Flue.

The Story

Part One

As Mary saunters out of Bassett, clad in only an artfully draped shopping bag, she spots her one of many loves, Tubuise, locking lips with a little Lolita-like lassie. She shudders. Though outwardly hideous and void of a personality, he has lightsaber skills that would cause even Luke Skywalker to blush in shame. And the t-shirts boasting it.

“Tubuise!” Mary calls out in anguish, “I thought I was your only love!” Unhinging his lips from the saumench’s, he yells back, “Girls are like casinos. I play them all!” He laughs with a snorty chuckle, to which the bruja replies with a slap to his acne laden face. “Not you, babe!” he says, and commences eating her face. After a moment, Tubuise hears a slight rip and looks over to Mary, whose bag is now slightly torn at the chest. As he stares, she augments the rip.

Suddenly the Tipsters spot a sparkly, purple pair of legs dashing across the quad, as Mercutio is prancing over to make himself known. “Lover!” he screams as he rips the existing fiber of the bag from Mary, only to reveal her sultry, scarlet leotard. Tubuise gasps with an athsmatic wheeze, further reminding Mary why she prefers a smoking man in tights, and why she is therefore inclined to take his hand and join in the mating dance of Zarquan.

Part Two

After about five minutes of Zarquaning, they spot a Super RC lurking on the corner of the quad, and decide to relocate to somewhere more private… the top of the ADF bus. Clang! Passions fluctuate on top of the hot, seductive, multicolored bus. What the young tipsters do not know is that 3 years previous, the ADFers had performed a silent, interpretive dance version of the musical Hairspray on top of that bus, in tap shoes. Therefore, the top of the bus was terribly unstable, and could not withstand their non tipropriate acts.

The top collapses, spitting our young lovers onto the sticky labyrinth of the bus floor. However, this does not stop their canoodling. Quite unfortunately, in an effort to promote actual speaking in the ADFers, the staff had installed a speaker system which projected the noises of the bus to the outside world, amplified ten times.

Super RC quickly hears the disturbing squeals and cries and rushes to the scene. She would be too late, as Mary’s eggo was already preggo.

The next year, Mary and Mercutio meet again, with one thing changed: when they do the Time Warp, they are forced to spin their baby around and around, instead of their hands.

A child with only four fingers, who would later become a Young Writer. DUN DUN DUH!

Part 3

Enter ADF-TIP love child, age 13. Alphonso is an outcast, terribly fond of his pet llama, Tubuise, whose name his parents have never quite explained. And though llamas are not permitted on East campus (as opposed to West campus where they run amuck) Alphonso smuggles him in, in a strangely shaped cello case. One should note that Tubuise is terribly afraid of grey cats and butter.

After encountering a strange combination of both in the first five minutes, Tubuise is spent. So Alphonso ambles over to an attractive fourth year, Tiffany-Jo. In a nasally tone, he whispers, “I wish I could rearrange the alphabet so that I and U could be together.” To which she replies, “You don’t have to. Because N and O are already together.” Epic fail.

Alphonso feels dejected, and munches on his aspirins and gummy vitamins, as they are not contraband until tomorrow. Just then, little miss Tiffany-Jo drops her Skyy Vodka (which is not contraband until tomorrow) into a deep dark well, crying “Oh my god, oh my god you guys… the booze is gone!”

Alphonso hatches an idea, something uncommon for most Young Writers. He yanks Tubuise out of the nearest trash can, where he had been feasting on the remnants of discarded ADF cigarettes, and jumps into the well, which coincindentally leads to the seventh circle of hell.

After battling the Devil, Darth Vader, and Chuck Norris, he regains the precious blue bottle. However, when sneaking into Tiffany-Jo’s room to return said contraband, he is busted for pill-popping, alcohol possession, and llama, which is the reason all Tipsters hate Young Writers to this day. The End.