Tosca......"Who is She?" you might ask...
On an average day, one would find a certain Tosca Langbert greeting all with "kombucha", a traditional texan greeting.
Tosca, sometimes referred to as Toasty, Toscanator, Toscalusca, Toscany, Jesus, or to those close to her, the "Ho" destroyer, is the light of my life, fire of my loins, queen of the bees.
Throughout her fourth year at TIP, Tosca was a proponent of dress-code reform and part of the reason the word "revolution" was banned in her final days on campus.
Below is her (uncensored) will.
I, Tosca Langbert, of sound mind and dress-coded body, hereby bequeath, To Sarah, kombucha and endless love; Lara, Justin Trudeau and a helicopter; Skippy, my scandalous thighs; Boden, Noam Chomsky’s soul and a life free from PVB; Ethan, Enoby Darkn’ess; Jonah and Will, lesbianism; Miranda, wings sharp enough to kill; Kiri, babymaker chocolate and B. Duke’s virginity; Lizzie, dating war flashbacks; Bella, a drug empire; Carter, smooch!; Hailey, a beehive; Caroline, the “block” button; my roommate, our couch; Samuel, nothing- gotcha!; Francesca, a churn, milk, and my hand in holy matrimony; Noah, ISBN 978-0-7178-0241-8; Soren, alligator meat and motherly love; Roberto, a better meme account; Teriyaki, better snacks; Zayd, no porn! no sex! no fun!; Reese, doodles and the title of “cool freshman”; Alexandria, real piercings; Annie, a Staples gift card; RevT, my voice; Nicult, a functioning clock; Duke TIP, endless gratitude; and finally, to all fourth years, the honor of being included in my will. I love you all.