Doctor Doctor/Duke East 2007 Term I
- Doctor: Neil Kimball
- Mort: Robert Duffley
- Mother: Alex Smith
- Daughter: Evan Welber
- Director: Sarah Welty
D: Mother, Mother, I have a pain.
M: A pain?
D: Yes, a pain.
D: no, here.
D: Yes, here.
M: I’ll call the doctor (ring ring)
M: Doctor, doctor, my daughter has a pain (daughter falls down dead)
Doc: A pain?
M: yes, a pain.
M: no, here
M: yes, here
Doc: I’ll be right over. (doc arrives and examines girl) Ma’am, this girl is dead
M: dead as in a doornail dead?
Doc: yes, dead as in a doornail dead. I’ll call the mortician. (ring ring)
Mort: Mort’s mortuary, you take ‘em down, we’ll put ‘em in the ground
Doc: we’ve got a dead girl here
Mort: dead as in dead as a doornail dead?
Doc: yes, dead as in dead as a doornail dead
Mort: I’ll be right over (Mort arrives) I see a dead maiden….
Director: CUT!!!!! That CRAP kind of made me want to take my own life. Let’s do something a little more logical, a little more mathematical, a little more TI-83! Westies! Great! Makeup!
D: Mother, Mother, it would appear I have a pain slightly above my pancreas.
M: Slightly above your pancreas? That’s absurd! Your pancreas is located here!
D: No, no, no, according to my hypothesis, my pancreas must be right here!
M: Well, according to Louie Pasteur’s germ theory of diseases, it would be most logical to assert that the pancreas would be right here!
D: Oh really? Well, while I was dissecting that frog in my lab, it appeared that its pancreas was located just below here!
M: Fine, fine, fine, think what you must. I’ll call the doctor. (ring ring)
Doc: Hello? You just interrupted me doctoral dissertation on the wave particle duality of carbon!
M: My sincerest apologies because I too am writing a thesis on the wave particle duality of carbon. However, my daughter has a pain. (daughter dies)
Doc: Indubitably! But where?
M: No, three over pi radians to the right.
M: No, more along the ventral side of the specimen.
Doc: Oh, here?
M: Justifiably so.
Doc: I’ll be right over. Beam me up Scotty! (arrives) By my calculations, your daughter has ceased to complete bodily functions and is now entering rigor mortis.
M: What, she’s dead? Dead as in our staff in the East v. West ultimate frisbee game?
Doc: Yes, dead as in our staff in the East v. West frisbee game. I shall now request the presence of the mortician. (ring ring)
Mort: Mort’s Mortuary, you can calculate without a blunder? So what! You’re still six feet under.
Doc: A westie is dead!
Mort: dead as in Darwinism in Kansas dead?
Doc: Yes, dead as in Darwinism in Kansas dead.
Mort: I’ll be right over.
Director: Cut, cut, cut. Why don’t you go solve a rubrics cube or some sort of… CRAP. This was just too offensive. We need something more universal, more caring, accepting, nay, benevolent! Let’s try politically correct style! Makeup!
D: Mother, I have a pain!
M: Now, now, now. There’s no pain in a mixed household.
D: But I feel that I do have a pain! But it’s no where near as bad as the pain of starving children in Eritrea! It’s here.
M: Here? (points to frown)
D: No, here.
M: Here? (holds hands over heart)
D: Yes, here. (holds hands over heart)
M: I’ll call the pediatrician! (ring ring)
Doc: (in a heavy Indian accent) Hello?
M: I have a hard time understanding you, but I still respect your culture. After all, we have lots of Indian friends.
Doc: That is very nice. So what is wrong?
M: My daughter has a pain, but surely it isn’t parallel to the pain felt by people under a communist regime.
Doc: Where? Here?
M: No, here.
M: No, here.
M: Yes, here.
Doc: I’ll be right over, but of course I’ll break for animals and stop by a soup kitchen! (arrives) Ms., is it alright if I call you Ms.? Your daughter seems to have moved on to a better place. She’s dead.
M: Dead as in human morality dead?
Doc: Yes, dead as in human morality dead. I’ll call the mortician. (ring ring)
Mort: Mort’s Mortuary, The world may be unhappy, but we’ll bury you snappy!
Doc: This sweet little girl is with the angles now. Non-denominational angels, of course. She’s dead.
Mort: Dead? Dead as in the polar bears on melting glaciers dead?
Doc: Yes, dead as in the polar bears on melting glaciers dead.
Mort: I’ll be right over. (turns to audience) call now and prevent this from happening to you!
Director: Cut! I’m sick of this PC CRAP! I’d rather listen to Ann Coulter lecture for three hours than listen to this! Hmmmmmm. We should, we should do it, you know what? (Turns to audience) What do you fourth years out there think? How do we do it?
Audience member: DOGGY STYLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs up and down audience yelling for a while, then hits a wall)
Director: Yeah, Yeah, I’m feelin’ it! Doggy Style! Do it!
(mother and daughter bark for a while. Daughter lifts leg as if to relieve self, director rushes on stage)
Director: NO!! That is NOT Tipropriate. Let’s try to connect more with our literarily inclined audience. It needs to be brilliant! Erudite! Magical! (british accent) HARRY POTTER STYLE!
D: Professor McGonagall, I have a pain!
M: What is this pain of which you speak? Ten points from Gryffindor!
D: I’m sensing Voldemort! I fear his presence! (shudder)
D: Here! (points to forehead)
M: (can’t see, points wand at elbow) Here?
D: (elbow hurt, grabs elbow) No, there!
M: (points wand at foot) Here?
D: (foot hurt, grabs foot) No, over there!
M: (points wand at crotch) There?
D: (crotch hurt, grabs crotch) No! Definitely not there!
M: (points wand at forehead) There?
D: Yes! Here!
M: I’ll summon Madame Pomphrey! (ring ring)
Doc: With what nonsense do you come to me at this late hour?
M: (drop h’s in attempt to make English accent) Harry here has been horribly hurt!
Doc: Bless my knickers, what in the name of the queen did you just say?
M: Harry has a pain! (D dies)
Doc: a pain?
M: yes, a pain!
M: (drop h’s) Here!
M: No, here!
Doc: That’s what I just said, ear!
M: No, here!
Doc: Ok, ear! I’ll be there in a jiffy! (arrives and examines girl) McGonagall, Harry is dead!
M: dead as in JK Rowling’s career after Harry Potter dead?
Doc: Yes, dead as in JK Rowling’s career after Harry Potter dead. I’ll summon the mortician! (ring ring)
Mort: Mort’s Mortuary, A death despite a horcrux, simply means your plot sucks.
Doc: JK killed off another one! Harry’s dead!
Mort: Dead as in the plot line during a quidditch game dead?
Doc: Yes, dead as in the plot line during a quidditch game dead.
Mort: I’ll be right over. (arrives) Why is Harry Potter wearing a skirt?
Director: Cut! I’d rather get my soul sucked out by a dementor then listen to this… CRAP! You make Daniel Radcliff’s acting look good! We need something more inspirational, spontaneous, random… I know, Ab Psych style! Ok, makeup!
D: Mommy, mommy, I have a pain!
M: A pain, where?
D: (sucks on a lolli pop)
M: Honey? (waves hand in front of face) Honey, where’s your pain?
D: I like muffins!
M: (taps kid) Where does it hurt?
D: Mommy, can I have a pony?
M: Pain! Where’s your pain!
D: (slowly looks toward M) (demonic voice) I feel no pain!
M: You said you had a pain!
D: (high pitched) Chicken! Chicken chicken chicken!
M: (smacks kid. D chokes on lolli. Dramatically dies.) Umm, I guess I’ll call the doctor now. (ring ring) (ring ring) (ring ring) (ring ring) (ring ring) (ring ring)
Doc: Oh, hey! What’s up?
M: Doctor, doctor, my daughter has a pain!
Doc: (very seriously) I’m sorry, I’m lactose intolerant.
M: Oh, me too! But anyway, my daughter has a pain!
Doc: (walks away. Doddles around on stage.)
M: Hello?! Hello?! Here, Here! She has a pain right here! Hello?! A pain! Hello?!!! (hangs up. Calls doctor on cell phone.) (ring ring)
Doc: (answers cell phone) Hello?
M: My daughter has a pain!
Doc: A pain! Why didn’t you say so! I’ll be right over! (has doddled over right next to mother. Realizes this) Oh, hello!
M: my daughter! (points to daughter)
Doc: Ma’am, your daughter’s dead, but I just saved hundreds of dollars by switching to Geico!
M: Dead! Dead as in my relationship with my husband after we had this child dead?
Doc: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighttttsiovhosiehbvoudiyfr. (pause) I’ll call the mortician! (ring ring)
Mort: Mort’s mortuary, we’re sorry for your expiration, you should have taken your medication.
Doc: Yes, I’d like a large cheese pizza with pepperoni and sausage and toothpaste, squirrel, and mint!
Mort: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighttttkjsoivhoiphf. I assume you have a dead body. I’ll be right over. (walks over and is attacked by Doctor)
Director: Cut, cut! I’m bored….. with your CRAP! We need something with more wit, more intelligence, more top quarter of the top one percent of kids in America! I got it! Tip style! Make-up!
D: Roommate, I have a pain!
M: A pain?
D: yes, a pain.
D: no, here
D: yes, here
M: I’ll call Super RC. (ring ring)
M: my roommate has a pain! (d dies)
Doc: I don’t care if your roommate has a pain! This is a cell phone violation! (hangs up)
M: sigh (yells) Help, Super RC, my roommate has a pain!
Doc: (yells back) A pain?
M: (still yelling) yes, a pain!
Doc: (yells) where?
M: (y) here!
Doc: (y) here?
M: (y) no, here!
Doc: (y) here?
M: (y) yes, here!
Doc: (y) I’ll be right over. (arrives)
M: stop, stop! Don’t go any further! We’ll have a visitation violation!
Doc: I’m an RC
M: Oh yea…
Doc: It appears that this tipster is dead!
M: dead as in the kids who bought knives at native threads dead?
Doc: yes, dead as in the kids who bought knives dead. I’ll call the mortician!
Mort: Mort’s Mortuary, you take him to the OSC, we’ll spread his ashes into the sea.
Doc: we’ve got a dead tipster here
Mort: dead as in tip traditions dead?
Doc: yes, dead as in tip traditions dead.
Mort: I’ll be right over, right after this musical tribute!!!