Doctor Doctor/Duke East 2009 Term I

Daughter:

Mother: Emma LaBounty

Doctor: Hannah Shoenhard

Mort:

Director: Mya Wilkes

Additional Roles: Spencer Heim and Matt Benenati

Makeup: Most of the fourth year girls + Spencer Heim and Matt Benenati

Scenes included: Normal, Sarah Palin, Pirates, Teen Angst, Swine Flu, Infomercial, Politically Correct, Dark Knight, TIP Style

D: Mother, Mother, I have a pain.

M: A pain?

D: Yes, a pain.

M: Where?

D: Here

M: Here?

D: no, here.

M: Here?

D: Yes, here.

M: I’ll call the doctor (ring ring)

Doc: Hello?

M: Doctor, doctor, my daughter has a pain (daughter falls down dead)

Doc: A pain?

M: yes, a pain.

Doc: where?

M: here

Doc: here?

M: no, here

Doc: here?

M: yes, here

Doc: I’ll be right over. (doc arrives and examines girl) Ma’am, this girl is dead

M: dead as in a doornail dead?

Doc: yes, dead as in a doornail dead. I’ll call the mortician. (ring ring)

Mort: Mort’s mortuary, you take ‘em down, we’ll put ‘em in the ground

Doc: we’ve got a dead girl here

Mort: dead as in dead as a doornail dead?

Doc: yes, dead as in dead as a doornail dead

Mort: I’ll be right over (Mort arrives) I see a dead maiden….

Director: CUT!!!! That CRAP kind of made me want take my own life. Let's do something a little more... unexpected. A little more Republican, or no, even better, Alaskan! Sarah Palin Style! Great! Makeup!

D: Mother, Mother, I have a pain.

M: A Palin?

D: No, a PAIN.

M: Where?

D: Here

M: Here?

D: no, here.

M: Here?

D: Yes, here.

M: I’ll call the doctor (ring ring)

Doc: Hello?

M: Doctor, doctor, my daughter has a pain (daughter falls down dead)

Doc: A pain?

M: yes, a pain.

Doc: where?

M: here

Doc: here?

M: no, here

Doc: here?

M: yes, here

Doc: I’ll be right over. (doc arrives) I can see Russia from here! (examines girl) Ma’am, this girl is dead

M: dead as in moose shot from a helicopter dead?

Doc: yes, dead as in moose shot from a helicopter dead. I’ll call the mortician. (ring ring)

Mort: (In Palin voice) Well hallo tha-… (coughs) ahem. Mort’s mortuary, Got shot like caribou? We’ll take care of you.

Doc: we’ve got a dead girl here

Mort: dead as in Sarah Palin’s chance of being a notable political figure dead?

Doc: yes, dead as in Bristol Palin’s future dead

Mort: I’ll be right over (Mort arrives)

Director: Cut! That kind of crap is the reason why John McCain lost the election. We need something more…rebellious. More nautical. More seafaring. Pirates, fantastic! Makeup!

D: Captain captain, I have a pain in me left leg.

M: Arr, but that be yer peg leg!

D: But I feel a pain HERE ye scallywag!

M: ‘Ere?

D: Nargh, 'ere.

M: ‘ere?

D: Aye, ‘ere.

M: I’ll call the surgeon (ring ring)

Doc: Hello?

M: This deckswabber be having a pain (daughter falls down dead)

Doc: A pain?

M: Aye, a pain.

Doc: where?

M: ‘ere

Doc: here?

M: Narr, ‘ere

Doc: here?

M: Aye, ‘ere

Doc: I’ll be right over. (doc arrives and examines girl) Cap’n, this landlubber be swimming with the fishies. She’s dead.

M: dead as in a boat of somalian pirates dead?

Doc: No, dead as in Cap’n Jack chances with Elizabeth dead. I’ll call the mortician. (ring ring)

Mort: Mort’s mortuary, Your men die of scurvy? We’ll fix them in a hurry.

Doc: we’ve got a dead scallywag here

Mort: dead as in ninjas in a fight with pirates dead?

Doc: No, dead as in pirates in a fight with ninjas dead

Mort: I’ll be right over (Mort arrives) what do you mean you threw her overboard?

Director: CUT!! That was way too hard on my ears, too foreign, too rebellious…we need something more current, more modern, more hip…I’ve got it! Teen angst style! Makeup!

D: Ugh, MOOOM! I have a pain.

M: Your fingers hurt from texting too much?

D: No, my pain is HERE

M: Here?

D: no, here.

M: Here?

D: Ugh, you never understand, it’s HERE

M: HERE?

D: Ugh, fine, it’s here

M: FINE, I’ll call the doctor (ring ring)

Doc: What?

M: my daughter has a pain (daughter falls down dead)

Doc: A pain?

M: Uh huh, a pain.

Doc: where?

M: here

Doc: here?

M: no, here

Doc: here?

M: yes, here

Doc: I’ll be right over. (doc arrives and kicks girl) she’s dead.

M: dead as in my personality dead?

Doc: yes, dead as in your personality dead. I’ll call the mortician. (ring ring)

Mort: Mort’s mortuary, When the drama gets too drastic, we’ll put you in a casket.

Doc: Dead girl.

Mort: dead as in Teen style after Twilight dead?

Doc: No, dead as in Teen style after the Twilight MOVIE dead

Mort: I’ll be right over (Mort arrives)

Director: CUT! That crap is way too distant, too apathetic, too boring! You’re corrupting the second years! We need something more local, more Ninth Street, more urgent! Swine Flu style! Makeup!

D: Mother, Mother, I have a headache, nausea, fever, chills, and body aches!

M: (reacting to body aches) A pain?

D: Yes, a pain.

M: Where?

D: Here

M: Here?

D: no, here.

M: Here?

D: Yes, here.

M: I’ll call Duke urgent care. (ring ring)

Doc: Hello?

M: Doctor, doctor, my daughter has a pain (daughter falls down dead)

Doc: QUARANTINE HER! (daughter is taken away by two strangers + doctor)

Director: CUT! You two, get off the stage! That was current and relevant, but we need something more...inexpensive. More rapid-fire. More sanitary. More sleazy! Infomercial style! Makeup!

D: Mother, mother, did you know I have a pain?

M: A pain?

D: Yes, a pain!

M: Where where where?

D: Here, here, here, here, and here, but not only that, also HERE!

M: Here too?

D: No, just here here here here and here

M: Here?

D: Yes, here But don’t forget here here here and here.

M: I’ll call the doctor (ring ring)

Doc: Hello?

M: Doctor, doctor, my daughter has a pain (daughter falls down dead)

Doc: That’s great! Call in the next fifteen minutes and her next treatment will be free!

M: Um, okay, but she has a pain now.

Doc: A pain, where?

M: here

Doc: here?

M: no, here

Doc: here?

M: yes, here

Doc: I’ll be right over. (doc arrives and examines girl) WOW! This girl is DEAD! Instant results! And, don’t forget free shipping! M: dead as in Billy Mays dead? (shocked)

Doc: YES! Dead as in Billy Mays dead. I’ll call the mortician. (ring ring)

Mort: Mort’s mortuary, die of a disease, get a casket for free.

Doc: we’ve got a dead girl here

Mort: dead as in Oxi-Clean without Billy Mays dead?

Doc: No, dead as in your stains with Oxi-Clean dead!

Mort: I’ll be right over (Mort arrives)

Director: Cut cut cut! That was just TOO offensive! We need something more universe, caring, accepting, NAY, Benevolent! Let’s try politically correct style! Makeup!

D: Mother, I have a pain!

M: Now, now, now. There’s no pain in a mixed household.

D: But I feel that I do have a pain! But it’s no where near as bad as the pain of starving children in Darfur! It’s here.

M: Here? (points to frown)

D: No, here.

M: Here? (holds hands over heart)

D: Yes, here. (holds hands over heart)

M: I’ll call the pediatrician! (ring ring)

Doc: (in a heavy Indian accent) Hello?

M: I have a hard time understanding you, but I still respect your culture. After all, we have lots of Indian friends.

Doc: That is very nice. So what is wrong?

M: My daughter has a pain, but surely it isn’t parallel to the pain felt by people under a communist regime.

Doc: Where? Here?

M: No, here.

Doc: Here?

M: No, here.

Doc: Here?

M: Yes, here.

Doc: I’ll be right over, but of course I’ll break for animals and stop by a soup kitchen! (arrives) OH…well, I promise your daughter’s mistaken gender identity will have no effects on my diagnosis. Um, is it alright if I touch him…err, her? (examines carefully) Your daughter seems to have moved on to a better place. She’s…he’s…she-…he’s dead.

M: Dead as in human morality dead?

Doc: Yes, dead as in human morality dead. I’ll call the mortician. (ring ring)

Mort: Mort’s Mortuary, The world may be unhappy, but we’ll bury you snappy!

Doc: This sweet little girl is with the angels now. Non-denominational angels, of course. She’s dead.

Mort: Dead? Dead as in the polar bears on melting glaciers dead?

Doc: No, as in earths ecological future dead.

Mort: I’ll be right over.

Director: Cut!! I’m tired of this PC crap! I’d rather listen to Ann Coulter for three hours than listen to this! Look…we need something…bigger. Darker! Give me a hero and a villain! Batman style! Makeup!

D: Holy cow Batman, I have a pain! But I’m sure it’s nothing compared to the pain deep in the Joker’s heart.

M: A pain?

D: Yes, a pain.

M: Where?

D: Here

M: Here?

D: no, here.

M: Here?

D: Yes, here.

M: I’ll call the doctor (ring ring)

Doc: Gotham Medical?

M: Doctor, doctor, my sidekick has a pain (daughter falls down dead)

Doc: (joker voice) Why so serious?

M: (shocked) She has a pain.

Doc: where?

M: here

Doc: here?

M: no, here

Doc: here?

M: yes, here

Doc: I’ll be right over. (doc arrives and examines girl) Batman, your sidekick is dead

M: dead as in Heath Ledger dead?

Doc: yes, dead as in Heath Ledger dead. I’ll call the mortician. (ring ring)

Mort: Mort’s mortuary, If Batman can’t give you a save, we’ll put you right in the grave.

Doc: We’ve lost another one to the Joker. Robin’s dead.

Mort: dead as in Rachel Dawes and Harvey Dent dead?

Doc: yes, dead as in Rachel Dawes and Harvey Dent dead

Mort: I’ll be right over (Mort arrives)

Director: CUT! Too soon…too soon. Look, let’s just do it…a more basic way, a more personal way. Fourth years, this is for you. TIP STYLE! MAKEUP!

TIP style

D: RC, RC, I may or may not have a pain!

M: A pain?

D: Yes, a pain.

M: Where?

D: Here

M: Here?

D: no, here.

M: Here?

D: Yes, here.

M: I’ll call the main office (ring ring)

Doc: Hello?

M: Doctor, doctor, my daughter has a pain (daughter falls down dead)

Doc: A pain?

M: yes, a pain.

Doc: where?

M: here

Doc: here?

M: no, here

Doc: here?

M: yes, here

Doc: I’ll be right over. (doc arrives and examines girl) Ma’am, this girl is dead

M: dead as in our 4th year privileges dead?

Doc: yes, dead as in 4th year privileges dead. I’ll call the mortician. (ring ring)

Mort: Mort’s mortuary, cry yourself to death on the last night? We’ll put you into the ground right.

Doc: we’ve got a dead girl here

Mort: dead as in Tippy dead?

Doc: No, dead as in Tippy when we get our hands on him dead

Mort: I’ll be right over (Mort arrives)

Director: CUT!!!!! That was perfect! So amazing, so reminiscent! Everyone did fantastic! And SCENE!