While at TIP Jesus wrote over 21 proverbs.
While this is not a perfect reflection of the original proverbs, this is a copy of the Proverbs in their most recent form.
1) Envy thy neighbor and loveth his wife, while he toils in his 9 to 5.
2) If you can’t find something, you should stop looking. Furthermore, if something is not in the last place you look, then you are a fucking moron for continuing to look after finding it.
3) Bitches sucketh. Or at least they better or they’re out the door.
4) If you wanteth to remembereth somethingeth, maketh a list, but leteth not the authorities findeth iteth. (for exampleth: hit lists, drug inventories, list crimes you plan to commit over spring break, list of women you will lure into un-consensual sex, etc.)
5) To be a prophet of the Lord, maketh liberal use of the blank holy pages in the back of the bible. They’re next to Revelations for a reason.
6) Go ahead and useth the Lord’s name in vain…but be prepared for a bitch-slap from the hand of God.
7) The more rules, and the more rules that are broken. No rules and no rules are broken. Rules suck.
8) Under no circumstances should you pass up the chance to see any part of the female anatomy. Unless she’s just fucking ugly.
9) If it will help lie. After all, that’s what your dorsal-lateral-prefrontal-cortex is there for. Just don’t lie to me, Jesus. I will kill you.
10) If ever in doubt in regards to fashion, simply wear your birthday suit. The Father Almighty wouldn’t have bestowethed it upon you if he had not intendedeth you to wear it.
11) Thou shalt not stealeth……from me, Jesus.
12) Twins are the greatest creation.
13) Twins are the greatest creation.
14) Blameth thy neighbor and escapeth from the back door while the police question him.
15) Always let horny gay men stand in front of you in line. Not only is it nice, but you do not want them behind you. If you are a gay man, however, it is advisable to take turns and to give as well as receive. It’s only fair.
16) Never pay for anything you can fit in your pockets.
17) Some people should just be shot.
18) In case of emergency, break glass, it may not seem like the most brilliant idea at the time, but how many opportunities do you get to break glass? And it’s just so damn fun. Besides after the panic subsides, you can always blame the cat…..just be sure you actually have a cat. If you don’t say a raccoon came in through the window.
19) Everyone should have a cache…a place where they put everything they don’t want lost or found.
20) And finally, a borrowed one, to finish the set of 20: The best way to get over a girl, is to get under another one.
21) Regret means nothing if you continue to make the same mistakes.
22) What you don't understand, you can make mean anything.