HOTF 2k15

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At East Term 2 2k15, a group of bright-minded intellectual children came together to learn and grow as students, people, and friends. Also Carter was there too.


OK Gayty I'll explain it!

So, HotF stands for History of the Future and it was the most bomb class at #tipeast15. It was taught by Eric "Clockwork God" Oakley, and TA Matt "Secretary General" Armstrong.

The way the course worked was that in the morning, we would have a discussion/lecture (mostly discussion) about a specific topic like Robots or Medicine or Youth Culture, and then in the afternoon, the lesson we talked about would show up in our simulation. The simulation was a model of the world set in the year 2050. Every person in the class ran their own country, and each year we would start off with Action Submission where each country could submit up to three actions. Then, we would have random events that could be anywhere from Heavenly (gaining free commodities) to Hellish (like the murder of 200 jews). Then we would move to a UN meeting run by the secretary general. (everyone hated the security council. The security council was terrible. Republic of Earth 5ever). After the meeting, we would move to Action Resolution where Clockwork God would announce any actions that needed resolving, such as combat. Then a new year would begin and it would start all over.

HOTF Stories

A lot happened in those three weeks, but here are the highlights:

-On the very first day of class, Shannon, Lexie, and Maddy (along with everyone else) taught Matt and Eric how to whip and nae nae.

-The first week was the week where we were all assigned our countries and we all learned to hate America. We didn't know each other very well, but we already started to bond because BASY/Pakistan/Connor got on everyone's nerves. He told Argentina (Mary Beth) that he would rub his sweaty head on her flag and, thus, Paki-stain it. No bueno.

-The first week was also when Maddy, Shannon, and Lexie started saying R-E-K-T Rekt whenever somebody got "burned/wrecked." This quickly caught on and everyone but Mitchell started saying it.

-Lexie and Mitch had a very complicated relationship in that she used to smack him a lot. But they made a deal that whenever Lexie hit Mitch, she had to kiss the tip of his goon squad flag, and if she hit him super hard, she would have to deep throat the flag. Needless to say, she stopped hitting him as much

-Also every day after lunch, our TA Matt would sing HIIIIIISTORYYYYYYYYYY OF THE FUUUUUUTUUUUUUUURE and we sang it as a round and down the octave and all different ways and it was amazing, and the ADFers stared at us while we did it.

-Also in the first week, Eric decided to introduce us to the collective love of our lives, Tom Waits. Tom Waits is an amazing singer who smoked multiple packs a day and sounded like it. He wrote such amazing gems as cemetary polka.

-We all collectively learned to hate the security council with a fiery passion. Lookin' at you Carter and Mitch.

-The second week was full of dressing up and bonding. It was a lot of fun.

-It really got live the third week because a certain Pakistan was kicked out, and so the class was all third and fourth years and we all bonded so much.

-In the third week, we had a discussion on Youth Culture and it was many people's favorite day. We talked about what scared us about the future and a bunch of other stuff like society and relationships. In the afternoon, we decided to continue the discussion instead of sim and it was a great decision. Until the last 15 minutes of class when Eric thought it would be ok to bring up American Pie and what it means to tipsters. Brazil cried a little bit. It's fine.

-At the second dance, two countries in particular bonded a lot. It was America (Carter) and Brazil (Shannon). The day after they became a relationtip. Greggybae (Glory Glory Russia) asked the whole class if they knew about Sharter and the two involved were super embarrassed.

-Greggybae on the third Thursday, got his finger slammed in a door, and just the tip came off. He was rushed to the hospital and they sewed his finger back on, gave him some painkillers and he made it back in time for the dance. He came to class the next day in extraordinary pain, but he left midway through the morning and came back with some oxy. Shannon saw that he was in a lot of pain, so she moved to Pakistan's now vacant seat next to Greg. The oxy kicked in pretty quickly and Greg passed out on Shannon's lap and she had to have other people (Carter) submit her actions for her. Then Greg went to lunch high as a kite (theres a video of it), but when he came back the oxy was wearing off and the pain was getting more intense. He stayed on Shannon's lap all afternoon still in very intense pain, but eventually he got more oxy and all was well. The next day, he actually got the llama. Greg is going to be an amazing llama mama and we love him so much. #Russiaisgoodguy #Glorygloryrussia

-Eric is a very observant person, and on Youth Culture day he decided to tell all of us certain quirks that we have that give away our feelings. This led to him telling us that he called Carter and Shannon happening from the first dance, when they didn't even know. We all believed him and thus, believed him when he said that he saw the makings of a second couple within the class. This led to an all-out manhunt to find out who the second couple was. This manhunt caused lots of tensions, and one day at the beginning of class, we were trying to find out who it was and Mitchell stood up and declared " It's me and Lexie. We're in love. My river of love flows only to her." Lexie was embarrassed, but the whole class knew they were just joking, and Divya has a video of it that's hilarious. The only hints they gave us were that one of them had the letter E in their name and one of them also had a love of history. The last few days brought the class closer together and farther apart as we tried to find out who it was. Katy and Shannon were especially invested in finding out. On the very last day of class, Eric told us that he'd been describing Carter and Shannon again the entire time and we all wanted to murder him. However, some believe that he was lying on the last day and the second couple may very well still exist. (the second couple does exist, it's katy and mb obviously)

-The last few days of class, on break we all played human knot and it went pretty well, except for when we fell over.

-After TiP ended ( :( ), we made a HotF facebook group and group text that we all use regularly. We have awesome google hangouts and our love for HotF will never ever die. I love you all so much <3

Longform Sim Stories

-At the tail end of the second week, Eric (as Clockwork God) sent Katy/India a message from the country of Kashmir, an independent state that was once part of India, but which was given statehood in order to resolve Indian/Pakistani conflicts over the region. The message offered India a deal: in exchange for building a "hydroelectric station" on the Upper Indus River in Kashmir to "ensure the people of Kashmir have clean water in case of disaster", Kashmir would give India a commodity every other round and India would get 2 Prestige. If India stopped construction on the dam she would lose 2, or if it was torn down or removed after its completion, she would be fined 3 Prestige. Knowing Eric to be an EVIL, EVIL man, India decided to decline the offer, fearing for a "catch" that she was not well-versed enough in geography, foreign affairs, or common sense enough to detect. However, when India went up to Eric/CG to turn down the deal, expressing her anxieties, Eric/CG went into rhetorical beast mode, assuring her that "There's no catch! You just get Prestige. Really, there isn't." Being a DUMB IDIOTIC PUSHOVER, India then agreed to the deal. (She did not sleep very well that night. Don't ignore gut feelings, kids. Especially in international diplomacy.) THE VERY NEXT ROUND in Action Res, Eric announced WITH MUCH GLEE that the dam had been built in Kashmir and water was piling up. Subsequently, Pakistan was rapidly losing water. India was like WHAT THE HELL MAN I WAS JUST FILTERING SOME WATER at which point Eric asked her if she knew what a hydroelectric station is, and being an idiot, she suggested it was a riverside filtration system. It was not. It was a dam. (I urge you to Google anything you do before you do it.) This led to a frantic rationalization of her actions in front of the class and an offer to Pakistan to give a commodity every few rounds in order to smooth things over and prevent conflict. During this period Katy had a severe mouth ulcer, causing her to drink water every second of every day, causing her to have to take many bathroom breaks. During each one of these bathroom breaks she frantically Googled "resource wars" "conflict resolution over natural resources" etc. But she was not Mitch and could not sit through pages upon pages of international legislature. But at this point Connor was still here, so he and India signed a contract promising peace and relieving India of liability. And all was well! In India. Pakistan was still getting unintentionally screwed tho. UNTIL Connor left and Matt took control of Pakistan. Matt had a complete disregard for country missions or global peace and prosperity (motion to form the ROE without Pakistan). Matt just wanted to send Pakistan's war corgis into battle. So. He led India and Kashmir through a long process of drafting another treaty, in which Kashmir let part of its water through to Pakistan. And everyone was happy. BUT IN THE VERY NEXT ROUND Matt's troops descended upon the dam, initiating war. This was really quite a nuisance to India, who was merely trying to make her cities not-disgusting and her women not-oppressed. Anyway, they fell into all-out war, Pakistan stole one of India's nukes, Turkey stole one of Pakistan's, etc. So it goes. Also while Matt and Katy were war-rolling things got very heated and Katy threatened to "cut" Matt. Div has videos. It wasn't pretty. Also we played a really ball war song called Kashmir. Look it up and listen to it and try to tell me you don't want to fight someone. Finally, on the last day, Pakistan took India's capital city of New Delhi (Div has a video of this as well) proving that A. entire countries CAN be destroyed by stupidity- vote Bernie 2k16 and B. it IS in fact possible to lose the game. Of life. Anyway, it was all very dramatic and Katy laughed a lot, disguising her inner sobbing. It was a bad scene, y'all. To make matters worse, Eric announced before the last action submission (those words make me cri) that we were not allowed to yell YOLO and do things outside the cone, i.e. annex Hong Kong (in the EU's case, shouts out) or nuke a certain antagonistic, belligerent, corgi-killing, warmongering nation unless you were in direct conflict with them. This crushed our plan of using everyone's last action submission to nuke that antagonistic, belligerent, corgi-killing warmongering nation into submission in a final act of unity and defiance. India figured she was doomed. But then, at the last second, Turkey proposed a plan. In the last five minutes of class, the very last Action Res, class got INCREDIBLY lit. Countries were saved, governments were overthrown, dictators were killed. And Turkey's airstrikes on Pakistan hit the Presidential Palace. Suck it. India was finna annihilate this place, but then, like 3 minutes before class ended, Eric offered her a deal from the new President of Pakistan, proposing peace and complete withdrawal of troops. India was all OK ARE YOU LEAVING MY COUNTRY? ARE YOU GETTING TF OUT? And Pakistan did. It was totally Eric being a chill dude, but India really appreciated it. That was sort of an insanely lit last round for a country to have. Moral of the story: Google your ish. And if you don't, at least be stupid with a country despised by the international community. This is my swan song of stupidity. Shouts out Matt and Eric for resisting my urges to cut them and Turkey for being the absolute best.

HOTF Sim and Superlatives

Eric Oakley: Teacher, Clockwork God, Nigeria, many other characters that he played with barely discernible accents

  • Most likely to roll away someone's life

Matt Armstrong: TA, Saudi Arabia (known to Lexie as Adam)

  • Most likely to lead the choir of the future

Kyle Jones-Shah: Algeria, "Hey Kyle!" by Maddy & Lexie

  • Most likely to be bombarded my misfortune

Divya Jain: Australia

  • Most likely to save the planet

Mary Beth Dicks:Argentina

  • Most likely to be a ray of sunshine

Shannon Scott: Brazil

  • Most likely to be on the DL

Mitchell Bullington: China, Chairman Vanilla Thunder, Mitchie Bulls

  • Most likely to need a wakeup call

Luke Gomez: Egypt, Santiago, Steph Curry

  • Most likely to sing Egypt's troubles away

Tina Barrios: European Union

  • Most likely to knock 'em off, one by one

Katy Mayfield: India, Gayty Gayfield

  • Most likely to be a flag burrito

Will Trimble: Indonesia

  • Most likely to be on fleet

Eren Guttentag: Iran

  • Most likely to start WWIII

Joye Tracey: Japan

  • Most likely to raise a robot army

Lexie Harris: Mexico, Lexico, TexMexLex (known to Matt as Jennifer)

  • Most likely to get R-E-K-T REKT

Greg Svirnovskiy Russia, "good guy"

  • Most likely to be "good guy"

Blake Stoddard: South Africa

  • Most likely to avoid the plague like THE plague

: Turkey, Yo girl turkey

  • Most likely to #[redacted]Pakistan (plz)

Carter Forinash: United States of America, Tucker Funderberg, biggest jerkface on the security council

  • Most likely to remind you that you don't actually matter

Gabe Blanco: Venezuela

  • Most likely to charge you for saving the environment

Connor Collingsworth:Pakistan, BASY

  • Most likely to build Mt. Caffeine


(Quote recording credit: Katy w/ her HotF quotebook, and Shannon and Lexie with #overheardatduketip on twitter)

"I'm a big girl, I need to get my own headband." -Mary Beth

"So my friend would just come over and give it to me every night." -Greg

"Can we just stop for a minute to talk about how Katy said 'I know (REDACTED)'s done the do, but I just can't picture it." -Mary Beth (subsequently) "I feel like there would be breaks to talk about foreign policy in the middle." -Greg

"Do WHAT, Tom?!?!" -Mary Beth

"Don't be a spectator. Fight the good fight. KSW. SP. LRH. A scientologist is different when he drives past a car accident. When I drive past an accident I know I'm the only person who can help. You know what you know, and if you don't, learn it." -Tom Cruise

"Rachel, did he penetrate you?!?" -Greg

"Nononono, Russia is good guy!" -Greg

"Has (REDACTED) done sex stuff? But he's such a good guy!"-Greg

"Greg, you did NOT work in the KGB as an intern." -Mitchell

"Don't throw your gum across the room!" -Mary Beth (subsequently) "But I can make it, I'm a baller!" -Davis, MB's brother

"The trireme net. The internet is just faster boats." -Gabe

"After the Boston Bombings some Syrians sent a letter to some people from Boston that said, like, 'I'm sorry, yada yada yada,'" -Kyle

"The quality of laze never helped anyone." -Eric (subsequenrtly) "Except the half-ton man. He got his own TLC show." -Madalyn

"Why don't I run for President? Because the only political office I think would be useful is emperor." -Eric

"Nuclear energy is the gateway drug of energy sources. LEGALIZE IT!" -Gabe

"I really don't like the sex pistols. Their music is... gross." -Mitch

"I don't want Twitter to go away... I'm on Twitter all the time. ("Lexie, we know!") "I don't want it, but I need it." -Lexie

"How do you expect me to vote and go to college if I can't go to the bathroom on my own?" -Mary Beth

"I feel like I was born too late to explore the world..." -Luke "LUKE NO!" -everyone else

"Every night of tip before I go to bed I google 'George Washington' and now I sort of consider myself a George Washington expert." -Madalyn

"Hey, trigonometry! I love trigonometry!" -Lexie

"10/10 would not fight you in the street." -Luke

"The spies will continue to be interrogated using 'advanced techniques'..." -Eric

"I like vocabulary! I'm like, 'yay, notes!'" -Lexie

"When Carter and I do something even a little good, everyone's like, 'NUKE 'EM!' But Joye's gotta be up to something over there- she's always talking to Eric but no one suspects Joye!" -Mitch

(Blink, blink, right wink, right wink, blink, left wink, left wink, blink) -Eric

"They've acted outside the code of Muslim." -Kyle

"IT'S CHILE!" -Shannon "Guys it's like 88 degrees out." -Luke

"What's love, got to do, got to do with it? What's love but a secondhand emotion?" -Eric

"Interstate prostitution? Like it happened ON the ROAD? That is an oddly specific crime!" -Mitch

"(bleep) (bleepbleepbleep) (bleep) in the club." -how to hip hop by Luke

"DANG THE POLICE!" -Greg and everybody

"It sounds like 'milf.'" -Eric "Which refers to the Moro Islamic Liberation Front, right?" -Matt

"Greg, I'm gonna neuter this for you. It stands for 'mothers I'd like to dang.'" -Eric

"I may be dumb, but I'm also stupid." -Madalyn

"You know what this shirt is made of? Boyfriend material. Do you like Starbucks? Because I like you a latte." -Luke

"Being an African nation..." -Kyle, always

"China moves its fleet to the Bering Sea." -Eric "OOOOOOOOOHH!!!!" -Everyone "CUE DEATH STAR MUSIC!" -Mitch

  • class hums death star music*


"Hey, Egypt, you're so fine, but Russia's more important than you." -Greg

"They didn't find a room, they found a MOON!" -Gayty

"I am a TALL drink of water!" -Mitch

"My love for Lexie flows like a river!" -Mitch

  • draws river with two stick figures on either side*

"But you can only get on if you stop using crowbar jokes" -Mary Beth


“I’m surprised my face isn’t red because I am HOT” -Greg

“The corgis are packed in dynamite and ready to battle” -Matt

“Seize the nuke… carpe nuke!” -Maddy

“Go behind the gas station with your sketchy friends” -Gayty

“Romance good. Don’t know.” -Greg

“I built a dam when I meant to build a filtration system, I don’t know how to do shit” -Gayty

“Presbyterians are like diet Catholics” -Maddy

“You remind me of an otter, you’re just so warm and waterproof. Your skin would be worth a lot on the market.” -Mitch (@Eric after Lexie called Eric an otter without providing a reason)

“The robot revolution will bring about world communism” -Mitch

“So Gandhi was a robot” -Carter

“Wait did you just gay-GB because I feel like that’d be a good name for a Russian strip club” -Maddy

“Men don’t get paternity leave because they’d eat their babies” -Carter

“It’s important to connect with your baby so you don’t eat it or let it starve” -Gayty

“The only good thing about Marco Rubio is that he’s Cuban” -Carter

“My online students are like a lobotomized Lance Armstrong with no legs” -Eric

“My heart tells me to forgive, but my sleepless brain tells me to kill” -Eric

“I’m letting Nevada rot” -Carter

“We’re sending people to space and you’re working on your kitchens” -Greg

“Why is your life so sad?” -Maddy [subsequently] “It’s not sad, I’m just Russian” -Greg

“She looks like a hungover cabbage patch kid” -Matt

“If Rand Paul is Bernie Sanders VP, he will filibuster him into a coffin” -Maddy

"Lexie have you kissed him?" G "Yes." L "Have you made out yet?" G "Yeah." L "OOH LA LA! Have you gone further than that?" G "Yeah." L "OH NO!" G

(on Youth Culture Day): "What are teenagers constantly thinking about?"-Eric (silence)-everyone "SEXUALS!"-Katy

"Divya does your cup just say 'D'?" Carter "WELL WE TRIED TO PUT MY INITIALS ON IT BUT THEY ONLY PUT THE D" Divya "It's perfect for when you're thirsty." Carter

"They taught us about frog sex but nothing about people sex." Greg

"It's ok I'll just die" Shannon

"Boys had higher standards in seventh grade. In high school us horny little devils will go out with anybody!" Greg

"Maybe it'll be like Orange is the New Black" Shannon "'What are you in for?' 'Drugs you?' 'Launching a nuke'" Carter

"You're gonna sit in that room until you have that baby. And then you're gonna sit in the room with your baby" Greg

"Hey babe, I'll bomb your hydroelectric station" Carter

"maddy, beat me up too" Divya

"Junior year is making me its bitch." -MB

"Sorry you peaked third year" Shannon

"patriotism is a gateway drug!!!!!! to republicanism" Eren

"Eren you piece of hipster shit get it together" MB