Every year, some clique or another comes up with the idea of the TiPocalypse. It's basically the imaginary but awesome event in which TiPsters are the only humans to survive a nuclear apocalypse. Due to their brilliance and awesomeness, a limited gene pool consisting of only TiPsters might not be such a bad idea. Since the idea shows up frequently without apparent communication between origins, it has been suggested by some that the TiPocalypse is an archetype. The most detailed plan for the TiPocalypse is as follows.
We are talking about mass extinction here, so we want to be careful to make sure we get it right.
Currently, it's not too feasible to go to TiP if your family is of limited means. That's to be expected in the current world climate, but to prepare for the TiPocalypse, we'll need to truly scour the globe for potential TiPsters.
An intelligence test will be designed which all TiPsters can pass. Similar to an IQ test, this test will not require prerequisite knowledge, just problem-solving and logic. An awesomeness test will be designed in a similar manner. These two tests, to which I will now refer as one test, will be administered to every human on the planet ages 12-16 in their own native language. Literally, everyone on the globe. We will visit each and every Pacific island looking for potential TiPsters.
We'll raid EVERY WALMART ON EARTH on our way to the big gathering.
It'll just work itself out.
The Big Gathering
We're going to get every TiPster on earth to a predetermined location by any means necessary. Everyone comes alone, and no one is allowed to smuggle friends. See 'housing' for where we'll put everybody when they get wherever it is.
Before entering wherever it is that we decide on, we'll check all TiPsters for
- smuggled friends
Anyone found having any of these, with the exclusion of STDs, will be turned away. (We're just checking for STDs because it's such a fun process.) We may or may not warn people in advance of this.
If there happen to be people squatting in our space, we'll just send them to Siberia early.
This will be like the great flood everyone talks about. The only difference is, instead of flooding the planet, (which we considered) we'll just herd everybody into Siberia. Stragglers will be eaten. Then, we'll collectively nuke Siberia. (Don't worry about how we'll get the nukes. We're TiPsters; we can figure it out.) Ideally, we'd want all the TiPsters to be on campus by this point, but we'll settle for getting them all safely out of Siberia.
Survivors will be re-nuked.
The Glory of the Post-TiPocalypse World
Just think for a second about how awesome it'll be when you don't have to associate with non-TiPsters anymore!
- Don't kill people.
- Don't rape anybody.
- Try not to die.
- If you have sex, try to be somewhat discreet about it.
In the likely case of rule breakage, there will be a big argument on the stage at Baldwin, which may be attended by however many people can fit in Baldwin. The argument will be moderated by Emily Hannah. After Emily Hannah declares the argument over, we'll do the whole close-your-eyes-and-vote thing. You get three strikes in your lifetime, with no opportunity for nullification of earlier rulings. The punishment for obtaining a fourth strike is death by dolphin rape. (Seriously, if a dolphin raped you, you would die from it. This is scientifically proven. Don't think about that for too long.)
It'll be pretty chill, partly because we can't really enforce that many rules, and partly because we're awesome.
- 6:00 am - silence not required
- 8:00 am - breakfast opens
- 10:00 am - breakfast closes
- 12:00 pm - lunch opens
- 1:00-2:30 pm - class
- 2:45-4:00 pm - class
- 4:08 pm - it's 4:08!
- 7:00 pm - dinner opens
- 9:00 pm - dinner closes
- 11:00 pm - silence required
Any time other than that is
- free time
- sexy time
- adventure time
- hammer time
Since some work actually needs to get done, a TiPster will spend
- 4 weeks in class
- 2 weeks doing a job specifically assigned to them (more about that later)
- 1 week doing jobs that just need doing
One Saturday per month, there will be a quad-fest type thing. After sunset on that day, there will be an unthemed-dance.
It is imperative that we get all the TiPsters together into one place, or else they might evolve into separate groups, which would defeat the purpose entirely. We've got to get all the TiPsters together in the same place, ideally before the nuking begins, because afterwards, planes might not be all that safe.
Limited by age group, the estimated population of TiPsters on earth (judging by the 'top quarter of the top 1%' statistic) is still roughly 3 million people. (I had a source for that, but it's not that impressive.) And obeying the sixth rule of being a TiPster (once a TiPster, always a TiPster), that adds up to a lot more. (I go to East.) Duke East and West, the flagship campuses, only hold about 6 thousand people put together. Durham, the surrounding city, only holds about 26 thousand people. So, there might be some housing issues.
Suggested solutions, organized by popularity:
- cram people into Durham until a point of uncomfortable density, utilizing as bed spaces:
- pantries in houses
- have TiPsters fight each other for their lives until there are only as many survivors as can fit
- spill over into surrounding cities
Since the entire compendium of human knowledge will be left to TiPlets (oh dear), we might have to teach them lame things like in school.
- world history 1-5
- literature 1-6
- math 1-4
- how to do work
- technology 1-3
- world history 6-10
- literature 7-10
- math 5-10
- technology 4-10
- quantum physics
- comparative religions
- one of the following:
- sex education
There will be a job menu. TiPsters may pick from the job menu once they turn 16. Every ten years, they may change their choice to another job on the menu. There will be a limited amount of people to a job.
Jobs will include:
- cafeteria person
- TiPlet herder
- farmer (overalls included)
- record keeper
- repair person
- trash person
- sex slave
- Head Llama Priest
- Llama Mama*
- A Llama Mama will be voted on every year, and will hold a president-type office. The term of the Llama Mama is limited to one year so as to remain faithful to the tradition of Llama Mamas at Duke East Term II.
- Highly qualified doctors will take the tests along with TiPsters of age, since we need at least a few of them.
- One of the jobs that someone will have to do is record-keeping, so we don't get into incest for at least 10 generations.
- No worries about electricity; we're TiPsters, therefore we can make electricity from anything. Potatoes, lemons, each other...
- There will be an agriculture program, of which Cat McKeown will be the head, until such time as she picks a successor. The farmland will probably be out in the country, to which Cat and her crew will travel by human train.
- In the unlikely event that we need to go somewhere en group, all vehicles will be made of people. If you can't picture that, just imagine reverse crowd-surfing.
- Orgies will occur on a regular basis.
- Sleeping outside will be encouraged.
- Dorm doors will remain unlocked, since we don't actually have the technology to get everyone a key.
- Lanyards will be retired. We won't need to identify ourselves as TiPsters, because that will be synonymous with human.
- Every Wednesday will be wear-a-skirt Wednesday!
- The Ninja and Pirate clans will make babies, thus ending the TiPlong feud between the two.
- If, for the purposes of keeping records, a baby's father is unknown, we'll just assume the father was Mark Marvelli.