Cuil Theorist

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The Cuil Theorist is a tradition starting at the Talent Show at Duke East Term 2, 2013. John Robertson took the liberty of reciting a concept known as "Cuil Theory" to 5 Cuils as a talent show act. It was wondrous. On the last night, John passed the responsibility down to Gregor Haas. After Term 2 of 2013, Gregor decided to expand the tradition. He added a few ideas and responsibilities to make the title of "Cuil Theorist" what it is today.


The Cuil Theorist tradition is passed down to a third year that is always filled with energy, passionate about TIP, and a friend to everyone. Over the year that they are cuil theorist, they should probably memorize at least this:

  • 1 Cuil: if you asked me for a hamburger, and I gave you a raccoon.
  • 2 Cuils: If you asked me for a hamburger, but it turns out I don't really exist. Where I was originally standing, a picture of a hamburger rests on the ground.
  • 3 Cuils: You awake as a hamburger. You start screaming only to have special sauce fly from your lips. The world is in sepia.
  • 4 Cuils: Why are we speaking German? A mime cries softly as he cradles a young cow. Your grandfather stares at you as the cow falls apart into patties. You look down only to see me with pickles for eyes, I am singing the song that gives birth to the universe.
  • 5 Cuils: You ask for a hamburger, I give you a hamburger. You raise it to your lips and take a bite. Your eye twitches involuntarily. Across the street a father of three falls down the stairs. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. I give you a hamburger. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. You cannot swallow. There are children at the top of the stairs. A pickle shifts uneasily under the bun. I give you a hamburger. You look at my face, and I am pleading with you. The children are crying now. You raise the hamburger to your lips, tears stream down your face as you take a bite. I give you a hamburger. You are on your knees. You plead with me to go across the street. I hear only children's laughter. I give you a hamburger. You are screaming as you fall down the stairs. I am your child. You cannot see anything. You take a bite of the hamburger. The concrete rushes up to meet you. You awake with a start in your own bed. Your eye twitches involuntarily. I give you a hamburger. As you kill me, I do not make a sound. I give you a hamburger.

They then present it as a skit at the talent show, preferably with lots of exaggerated hand motions and awesome acting. They then pass it down at the end of the talent show.

Cuil Theorists

  • John Robertson (2013)
  • Gregor Haas (2013-2014)
  • Spencer Buckner(2014-2015) (due to spencer not returning, it was given to Michael Hepburn instead.)
  • Thea McAfee (2015-2016)
  • Claire Stagner (2016-2017)
  • Sophia Gaunt (2017-2018)
  • Kendall Roy (2018-2019)
  • Caroline Lorio “(2019-2020)”