Doctor Doctor Script, Duke West Term 2 2010

The entire script to the Term II West 2010 fourth year's production of Doctor Doctor can be found here. Please take note of the fact that much of this was ab-libbed. Doctor Doctor was, at least to these actors, very much an improv performance. This is the complete log of what was said. When in the planning stage, merely the punchlines were planned for, and the rest was set up based on the participant's previous knowledge of how Doctor Doctor generally works.

Cast 1

Cast 1 started off with the original, Ninja, and NTP

The first cast was

• Daughter: Sarah Miller
• Mother: Stephanie Hsiang
• Doctor: Leland Bond
• Mortician: Ed Kerr

Original

C: Mother! Mother! I have a pain!

M: A pain?

C: Yes, a pain!

M: Where?

C: Here!

M: Here?

C: Here!

M: Here?

C: No, here!

M: Here?

C: No, here!

M: Here?

C: No, Here!

C: Oh, Here!

M: Alright then, I will call the doctor. (Pause) Ring Ring Ring!

(daughter falls over, dead)

D: Doctor's Office!

M: My daughter has a pain!

D: A pain?

M: Yes, a pain!

D: Where?

M: Here!

D: Here?

M: Here!

D: Here?

M: No, here!

D: Here?

M: No, here!

D: Here?

M: No, Here!

D: Oh, Here! Well then, I will be right over! (Doctor enters and stands right above fallen daughter) Where is your daughter?

M: Here! (points to daughter)

D: Here?

M: Yes, here!

D: I will take a look then! (Examines daughter) She's Dead!

M: Dead?

D: Yes, dead!

M: Dead as a doornail dead?

D: Dead as a doornail dead!

M: Oh well, I guess I had better call the mortician (Pause) Ring Ring Ring!

Mortician: Mort's Mortuary. You kill 'em, we chill 'em

Director: Cut! Cut! Cut! That was way terrible!!! Let's go with something more recent! What are all the kids doing today? Um, how about Ninja! (Cast resets) Makeup! (makeup crew comes on and hits cast with pillows) Roll!

Ninja

C: Sensei! Sensei! I have a pain!

M: A pain?

C: Yes, a pain!

M: Where?

C: Here!

(Note: The entire engagement regarding where the pain is is actually a game of ninja)

M: Here?

C: Here!

M: Here?

C: No, here!

M: Here?

C: No, here!

M: Here?

C: No, Here!

C: Oh, Here!

M: Alright then, I will call Mr. Myagi. (Pause) Ring Ring Ring!

(daughter falls over, dead)

D: mr. Myagi Speaking!

M: My Student has a pain!

D: A pain?

M: Yes, a pain!

D: Where?

M: Here!

(Note: The entire engagement regarding where the pain is is actually a game of ninja)

D: Here?

M: Here!

D: Here?

M: No, here!

D: Here?

M: No, here!

D: Here?

M: No, Here!

D: Oh, Here! Well then, I will be right over! (Doctor enters and stands right above fallen daughter) Where is your student?

M: Here! (points to daughter)

D: Here?

M: Yes, here!

D: I will take a look then! (Examines daughter) She's Dead!

M: Dead?

D: Yes, dead!

M: Dead as a pirate dead?

D: Dead as a pirate dead!

M: Oh well, I guess I had better pray to our ancestors (Pause) Ring Ring Ring!

Mortician: Ancestral Spirits. We protect your fam-i-ry's honor.

Director: Cut! Cut! Cut! That was way horrible!!! Let's go with something more relevant! How about TIP! (Cast resets) Makeup! (makeup crew comes on and hits cast with pillows) Roll!

Not TIPpropriate (NTP)

C: RC! RC! I have a pain! (Enters twirling lanyard)

M: A pain?

C: Yes, a pain!

M: Where?

C: Here! (NTP touching of own body))

M: Here? (RC mimics touching)

C: Here! (Touching continues)

M: Here?

C: No, here!

M: Here?

C: No, here!

M: Here?

(RC Mitch stood up here and told us to keep it TIPpropriate)

C: No, Here!

C: Oh, Here!

M: Alright then, I will call Jason the OSD (Pause) Ring Ring Ring!

(daughter falls over, dead)

D: Jason's Office!

M: My TIPster has a pain!

D: A pain?

M: Yes, a pain!

D: Where?

M: Here! (again, NTP touching)

D: Here? (Doctor character mimics NTP tocuhing, awkward though because it is a guy actor mimicking a girl NTP touching herself)

M: Here! (NTP tocuhing and awkwardness continues)

D: Oh, Here! Well then, I will be right over! (Doctor enters and stands right above fallen daughter) Where is your TIPster?

M: Here! (points to daughter)

D: Here?

M: Yes, here!

D: I will take a look then! (Examines daughter) She's Dead!

M: Dead?

D: Yes, dead!

M: Dead as fourth year privileges dead?

D: Dead as Xawn's fourth year privileges dead!

M: Oh well, I guess I had better call the mortician (Pause) Ring Ring Ring!

Mortician: Duke West Food services. You book 'em, you beat 'em, we cook 'em, you eat 'em.

Director: Cut! Cut! Cut! That was extremely bad! Can I get a new cast here? (Cast switches) Makeup! (Makeup enters and hits cast with pillows) Just...something! Go!

Cast 2

Cast 2 was only on for one style, Rad Bromance

• Brosef (Daughter): Solomon McGinty
• Brohan (Doctor): Will Martin
• Broa (Mother): Charles Rehw
• Sausage Fest Organizer (Mortician): Jeremy

Rad Bromance

C: Broa! Broa! I have a pain!

M: A pain?

C: Yes, a pain!

M: Where?

C: Here! (Flexes)

M: Here? (Flexes)

C: Here! (Continued Flexing)

M: Here?

C: No, here!

M: Here?

C: No, here!

M: Here?

C: No, Here!

C: Oh, Here!

M: Alright then, I will call Brohan! (Pause) Ring Ring Ring!

(daughter falls over, dead)

D: Yo, dude, this is Brohan!

M: Dude, Brosef has got a pain

D: No way dude!

M: Way!

D: Where?

M: Here! (Flexing)

D: Here? (flexing)

M: Here! (continued flexing)

D: Oh, Here! Well then, I will be right over, dude! Should I take the Corvette or the Bentley?

M: Definitly the Bentley, Dude!

D: All right! (Doctor Enters) Where's Brosef, dude?

M: Here! (points to daughter)

D: Here?

M: Yes, here!

D: OK, I can take a look, dude! (Examines daughter) He's Dead!

M: Dead?

D: Yeah bro, dead!

M: Dead as a woman out of the kitchen dead?

D: Dead as a woman out of the kitchen dead!

M: Oh well, I guess I had better call the mortician (Pause) Ring Ring Ring!

Mortician: Cox Park Sausage Fest Organization!

M: Dude, wrong Number! (Hangs Up)

Director: Cut! Cut! Cut! Who are you? Get off! New cast!(Cast switches) Makeup! (Makeup enters and hits cast with pillows) Let's try something really current, something important! Go!

Cast 3

Cast 3 finished the performance, with The BP Oil Spill, Spanish Soap Opera, and Rave!

• Daughter: Shae' Street
• Mother: Xan Failing
• Doctor: Josh Brown
• Mortician: Ethan Torres

The BP Oil Spill

C: Mother! Mother!

M: What!

C: Mmmm...

M: What?

C: Mmm...

M: Spill it like BP!

C: Fine! I have a pain!

M: A pain?

C: Yes, a pain!

M: Where?

C: Here!

M: Here?

C: Here!

M: Here?

C: No, here!

M: Here?

C: No, here!

M: Here?

C: No, Here!

C: Oh, Here!

M: Alright then, I will call the doctor. (Pause) Ring Ring Ring!

(daughter falls over, dead)

D: Doctor's Office!

M: My daughter has a pain!

D: A pain?

M: Yes, a pain!

D: Where?

M: Here!

D: Here?

M: Here!

D: Here?

M: No, here!

D: Here?

M: No, here!

D: Here?

M: No, Here!

D: Oh, Here! Well then, I will be right over! (Doctor enters and stands right above fallen daughter) Where is your daughter?

M: Here! (points to daughter)

D: Here?

M: Yes, here!

D: I will take a look then! (Examines daughter) She's Dead!

M: Dead?

D: Yes, dead!

M: Dead as Pelicans in the Gulf dead?

D: Dead as Pelicans in the Gulf dead!

M: Oh well, I guess I had better call the mortician (Pause) Ring Ring Ring!

Mortician: BP Customer Service.

Director: Cut! Cut! Cut! That was terrible beyond description!!! Let's do something with more emotion!(Cast resets) Makeup! (makeup crew comes on and hits cast with pillows) Roll!

Spanish Soap Opera

C: Madre! Madre! I have a pain!

M: A pain?

C: Yes, a pain!

M: Where?

C: Aqui!

M: Aqui?

C: Aqui!

M: Aqui?

C: No, Aqui!

M: Aqui?

C: No, aqui!

M: aqui?

C: No, Aqui!

C: Oh, aqui!

M: I will call the doctor. (Pause) Ring Ring Ring!

(daughter falls over, dead)

D: Doctor's Office!

M: My daughter has a pain!

D: A pain?

M: Yes, a pain!

D: Where?

M: Aqui!

D: Aqui?

M: aqui!

D: Aqui?

M: No, Aqui!

D: aqui?

M: No, aqui!

D: Aqui?

M: No, aqui!

D: Oh, Aqui! I will be right over! (Doctor enters and stands right above fallen daughter) Where is your daughter?

M: Aqui! (points to daughter)

D: aqui?

M: Si, aqui.

D: I will take a look then! (Examines daughter) She's Dead!

M: Dead?

D: Yes, dead!

M: Dead as my father's uncle's daughter's former dog walker's roommate dead?

D: Dead as your father's uncle's daughter's former dog walker's roommate dead!

M: I guess I had better call the mortician (Pause) Ring Ring Ring!

Mortician: Mort's Mortuary. Yo Soy Guapo Y tengo muchas ninas bonitas

Director: Cut! Cut! Cut! That was just awful!!! Let's give it one more try! It seemed to work last year! Should we try again! I guess. Let's do a Rave! (Cast resets) Makeup! (makeup crew comes on and hits cast with pillows) Roll!

Rave!

(Everyone pretty much is jumping up and down and fist pumping the entirety of the skit unless they are doing something else)

C: RCandy! RCandy! I have a pain!

M: A pain?

C: Yes, a pain!

M: Where?

C: Here!

M: Here?

C: Here!

M: Here?

C: No, here!

M: Here?

C: No, here!

M: Here?

C: No, Here!

C: Oh, Here!

M: Alright then, I will call the doctor. (Pause) Ring Ring Ring!

(daughter falls over, dead)

D: Doctor's Office!

M: My TIPster has a pain!

D: A pain?

M: Yes, a pain!

D: Where?

M: Here!

D: Here?

M: Here!

D: Here?

M: No, here!

D: Here?

M: No, here!

D: Here?

M: No, Here!

D: Oh, Here! Well then, I will be right over! (Doctor enters party boying and stands right above fallen daughter) Where is your TIPster?

M: Here! (points to daughter)

D: Here?

M: Yes, here!

D: I will take a look then! (Examines daughter) She's Dead!

M: Dead?

D: Yes, dead!

M: Dead as Zulu Force dead?

C: Zulu Force is alive!

M: Dead as Mad Dog dead?

(all fourth years go Woof! Woof! Woof!)

D: Dead as Mad Dog dead!

M: Oh well, I guess I had better call the mortician (Pause) Ring Ring Ring!

Mortician: Epileptic Help Services! You rave all night, we provide the strobe light!

Director: That was great! That's a wrap!