Stealing mattresses and hiding them in the girls' bathroom

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This is a reference to the Great Mattress Theft of Aught-Four. It was the climax of a grand series of almost-thefts. It all happened at East Term II, 2004.

It began, as most great stories do, with quarters.

In the room known to many that term as the Brown Sex Pit lived two girls. One of them kept a large amount of change on her desk. It became common place for (edit by Jack: i have no recolection of keeping for more than seconds anything stolen by me) to remove a few coins from their room and bring the coins to his room.

She got her revenge.

Jack's roommate often left their door unlocked. One day, the girl and a friend from class raided Jack's room. They fetched the girl's coins and some other random object. Said random object was placed on the girl's desk, where Jack retrieved it later that day.

The next day, Jack's boxers were missing. He did not get his boxers back until after WASW.

One pair has still not been returned and remains to this day in the belongings of the girl whose money he took. They are very comfortable. Thank you, Jack.

This is merely the prelude.

Pairs of shorts, slippers, other things were traded amongst the rooms of the denizens of the Brown Sex Pit. This included a pair of boxers being taped to the door to the Brown Sex Pit with a note that said "Thanks for last night! You left these!" The note was later reused to return a pair of slippers to said room.

And then they stole Jack's mattress. It was hidden in either the corner room belonging to "" and Chase (edit by jack it was the room across from me and frodo's both where stolen the first time, one the second) or the Brown Sex Pit. Reports vary, and even one of the residents of the Brown Sex Pit cannot remember.

The mattress was returned as soon as Jack noticed it was missing, and no harm was done.

And then ... both mattresses were stolen. By a different party. And hidden. First in the first party's room. Then, when the first party's roomie pitched a hissy, in the third floor girls' bathroom. With the help of another party. Who was very very concerned, on account of she was already in trouble for flipping off an RC. During Quadfest. Though in her defense, she was saving the Llama and had no idea he was an RC. The point is, the mattress was hidden.

Later, just before bed, the second party realized a) that Jack needed to sleep, b) that the mattress was well hidden indeed and c) that if the mattress wasn't found, the involved parties would be in deep shit. So she left a note on the bedsprings detailing the location of the mattress. It didn't help.

And there was a dorm meeting and yelling and fingers being pointed at people who had no connection except for being friends and RAG-mates with one of the people who did it. It was ugly. The first party took the fall. For which the second party was very grateful. The first party recieved no punishment. The parties are not named due to a desire to RC in college.

But Jack's boxers still live in Miami.

The author is leaving the previous untouched in order to exemplify the beliefs of those who were not involved in the actual theft. The only details that need correcing are that every theft was unconnected; the second theft was the only one that involved both mattresses; and that the third theft (the most important, as the only one that got "punished") was the only theft that ended in the mattress being held in the third-floor girls' room.

But this, here, this is the true story of the third and most important mattress theft of Aught-Four, told by the thief herself!

It was a boring night, as dance nights tend to be, and a young girl by the name of got bored (it being, as previously mentioned, a boring night). So she did the logical thing and decided to steal a mattress.

Of course.

She and her friend, one , went up into the room of (a.k.a. Hat) and calmly stole his mattress and then dragged it through a hallway crowded with thirty-odd students and two RAs and hauled it up a flight of stairs into an even more crowded hallway and then into the room of Discman and her roommate, .

An hour after this point, Asian Barbie objected to the mattress's presence, being an intelligent Barbie, and asked politely that it be removed. So it was that Discman and another of her friends, the extremely nervous (cannot be arsed to remember her name)('tis [Book] - Dragongirl/Book), dragged it across the hallway of the Third-Floor Disco Inferno into the girls' room on that floor and hid it in one of the stalls. The considerably-less-bored Discman left with the considerably-more-nervous Dragongirl and counted herself untouchable due to the sheer ingeniousity of the theft. They went down to the dance and stood about awkwardly. Dragongirl had several minor heart attacks, but survived.

However, the following night at a dorm meeting, the decided to Get Serious About Mattress theft. Discman got extremely nervous. She was not indicted; she was untouchable, because her crime was truly brilliant, but it being a crime after all, punishment needed to happen. Thus, the RAs decided to take the common room away from the ENTIRE DORM - the humanity! - because they did not expect the perpetrator to come forward.

What's a girl to do?

Discman, finally discovering herself to be at least halfway honorable, interrupted the meeting as politely as possible and confessed, asking that no one else be punished. How heroic, right? ('Twas indeed - Dragongirl)

Thus it was that the Great Mattress Thefts of Aught-Four went down in history. For those who wonder, Dragongirl escaped without punishment due to Discman's tight-lippedness and her disapproval from the start, and though Hair was indicted with Discman, nothing actually happened. The RAs decided to Think It Over and neither were punished. No one not directly involved thought Discman actually had anything to do with it; in fact, several Alspaugh second-years approached her and asked her, doubtfully, if she'd really done it or just said she did, and didn't believe her when she said she had.

The moral of the story? Steal ya some mattresses. Nothing'll happen. edit: no no no, teh moral is to NOT steal mah stuff. Jack