Ryan Hess
"what a babe, what a champ"
Ryan is the world's most iconic human ever to walk the Earth. She is truly the mascot of all babes and champs everywhere, and hotties with bodies.
Duke East 2017, Term 1
Ryan's first year to don the green lanyard, as a proud second year. She was in Criminal Trial Advocacy, as well as a member of Tay's Baes and the Basset Bros. Her roommate was the wonderful Kiran, the og leader of the Basset Bros. She went stag to all of the dances, the exception being the third one. She went with Tyler, and they made out in Bassett's secret room. Aside from Ryan's obvious charm, she was also a certified fangirl of both Skippy and Noah C. Cornelius. In fact, she will claim her greatest accomplishment in life was being included in one of his vlogs. Her superlatives were-
- Most likely to come up with the best catch-phrases
- Most likely to burst an eardrum talking about Skippy (in this case referring to Skippy the Seventh)
The Flip Phone from Hell
Ryan was born with a terrible curse- you see, her parents low key hated her and gave her a sad little flip phone with only one real perk- it's bright af flashlight. She tried to vanquish it by giving it to people to play Phones (a version of Spoons played with phones) with, but it was practically indestructible. Luckily, as if by some miracle from heaven, her parents bought her an iPhone. Her goal is to have her iconic flip phone one day be used as a relic, and for her sake we hope it becomes one and doesn't get rejected like Noah's sweatband.
Duke East 2019, Term 1
Ryan Hess quickly became known for being one of the funniest people to grace the earth. NUT. Scratch that, she is THE funniest person to walk the earth point blank, ever. If y’all never met this girl you missed out BIG TIME. She took PCULT with local fourth year legends Brooke Huffman, Lauren Watson, Sam King, , , Lucy Coangelo, KATRINA, and Will. She is CONFIRMED as TA Breanna’s favorite. Like it is written IN INK that she was THE FAVORITE. She is so FUNNY and y’all will never understand. She is known for making CHRIS laugh and being CHRIS’S [redacted]. She is also known for being THE BASE of PCULT cuddle puddles. Sometimes Grey would say “Take your pills, grandma” to Ryan and no one would understand what that meant. Ryan, Lauren, Katherine N, Skippy, Katherine (Tiny), Brooke, Greyson, John, Megan Vaz, and RC Max took part in the infamous The Cone activity. Ryan (I believe) was the one to say the infamous words that started the INTENSE LOVE for the cone and then Max (the oppressor) took the cone away! It is suspected he did this for his own selfish desires. Ryan was also a member on Greyson’s playground. During the Dream Team versus Water Color’s frisbee game, Maxx Shearod DEFIED Greyson’s will whilst on Greyson’s playground. Greyson became ENRAGED and whilst Maxx tried to hide, it was FUTILE against Baby Jah’s will. Baby Jah found Maxx and Maxx attempted to flee, and which Baby Jah commanded Lauren (Lorena) and Ryan to RUN. So they ran to catch up with Baby Jah and the criminal, but when they arrived, Maxx was dead. Ryan also bought this really weird frog thing made out of sheep’s wool at the Durham Farmer’s Market and it was kinda cute in an ugly way. I think it was eightheen dollars. Ryan, after the PCULT squishy thing popped, bought instructor Jessie a new stress ball with sharks on it. Here lies Ryan’s legacy.
Catch Phrases
- what a babe
- what a champ
- what a hottie with a body
- what a perv with nerve
- drop him like he's as hot as he thinks he is